1 year.

by Anonymous

December 5, 2019

1 year ago today I found out I was pregnant. When I saw “pregnant” on the test I went dizzy. I went to my bedroom and broke down, my partner thought I was pretending as I held the test out in my hand, and didn’t realise until he looked for himself. I sobbed uncontrollably. We lived with his dad in a tiny room which barely had room for our bed, never-mind a baby. “I need to tell my mum”, I cried. My mum and I share everything, so it was one of the first thoughts I had. To this day, I still haven’t told her. I love my mum, but I realised this is a journey my partner and I had to take just us two. I still feel guilty knowing I haven’t told her, but I know it was the right decision for me.

My partner was so incredibly supportive of me and my decision to have an abortion. It was strange for us both, as we had talked a lot about how excited we are to start a family one day, but we knew it wasn’t right for us to have a baby when we have no way to support it yet.

Living in the UK, I knew it was legal to have an abortion, but I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know what to do or where to go. I spoke to a midwife who referred me to BPAS. The process took a while as I was just completely clueless. I have a full time job with long hours so I lost track of it all.

By the time I had the abortion I was around 22 weeks. I wish I could’ve had it done sooner, it was torture feeling the flutters in my tummy.

I had a surgical abortion (Dilation and evacuation) and was put to sleep for the procedure. It was all over so quickly, the moment I woke up I immediately felt the emptiness in my tummy. My partner waited for me all day in the clinic and gave me a reassuring hug when I saw him again.

I cried the whole journey home. I had 3 weeks off work, I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to return so soon.

Eventually, I got back to my normal self, but I admit it did take a while. It’s been 9 months now, when I look back on it all I can hardly believe I went through it. I realise I am strong and brave to have made the decisions I have made. I am so grateful to BPAS, and the resources available me in my country, I still can’t believe there are people out there who can’t be in control of their own bodies. Everyone deserves the right to make their own decisions about their bodies, and do what is right to make themselves happy.

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