(Please keep names anonymous but use whatever parts of the story!)
My Abortion.
So I found out I was pregnant with baby number 3 on 1st June 2021, A. was only 6 months old. Instantly I felt annoyed, fuming and so confused and upset, just didn’t want it to be true.
One minute I wanted it the next I didn’t, one minute we was discussing baby names the next I was reading other people’s abortion stories / things online to find out what happens.
When I finally decided it was what I wanted to do, of course I was upset… maybe grieving for the baby I was going to lose? Maybe upset because of what my body was going to have to go through, I’m still not sure.
But what I do know is that it’s absolutely the best decision, and my feelings towards him were never going to get fixed, I didn’t want them to, I was so sure about us ending too, even before finding all of this out.
Fast forward to today, 26th June, my appointment to get my pills is on Tuesday 29th and I just want it over and done with, I can’t wait to not be pregnant. I’ve never felt all these things I’m feeling & thinking and it’s so strange.
My 2 pregnancies with G. and A. were incredible, I love them both so much and from start to beginning with them it felt like a dream, especially with A. because he was planned, my love for them both is indescribable.
I sat here last night thinking, that if I was to carry on with this pregnancy, I’d eventually feel the baby move… and the thought completely freaked me out, knowing that there was this “thing” inside me…? How could I feel so against something I’ve done twice before but loved every minute of it before too?? I’m the most maternal person ever????
Most days I feel very sick, and I hate when I do because I know there’s only one reason why I feel that way & I just want it gone. I wake up sometimes / go to fall asleep with my hand on my belly & when I remember I’m pregnant I move it… I don’t even feel pregnant most of the time, so when I feel sick I hate it because it reminds me that I am.
I always said I could never end a pregnancy, but here I am waiting for the day I can finally be free of this?? It’s so weird.
Also, I looked at myself naked in the mirror yesterday for the first time in a long time, and realised what I’m gonna look like when I don’t have a little bump/when I finally reach the body goals I have in my head, and how nice my body actually is, (considering I’ve had 2 kids and put on loads of weight with them and how self conscious / trapped I’ve been feeling) and it made me happy, I felt awesome.
I’ll keep updating this little blog thing of my abortion as the days go on, because I feel like it’s absolutely something I want to remember because of how alienated this whole thing feels for me. One of the strangest feelings ever, being pregnant but not wanting to be, but knowing you are and knowing you’re going to end it and you’re happy with it??? After having 2 amazing baby boys & pregnancies in the past.
Tuesday 29th – Today is the day… my appointment is at 11am, but I don’t think I’m gonna take them today. I want to wait till Friday so I have the weekend to get the worst part out of the way. I’ve been thinking all morning should I actually do it, why now am I only in 2 minds when I’ve been so sure??? I am still sure, but there will always be those what ifs.
I’m doing this for me, for me to keep the little bit of freedom I still have, I’m only 22, and I love my boys so much but I don’t want to have 3 kids and no time for myself when I’ll only be 23??? And I think that’s okay.
Okay I’ve been back from the clinic a while now… and my head is blown to bits. I didn’t realise what I’d have to do to get rid of a baby?? I’m so scared. Stupid anxiety doesn’t help, that’s gone to a level I haven’t met before.
Why do I feel so heart broken over this? I’m sure it’s what I want, I think? I actually don’t know anymore, I can’t go through with this can I?? Baby or no baby?
All of a sudden the pain isn’t the scariest part anymore, losing the baby is.
2nd July – I did it, I took my first tablet. Went to get the boys from their nans, came back and popped it out the packet & of course I broke down. My anxiety levels went through the roof, and I was so scared to do it. I knew what it was for and what it was going to do but obviously me being me thought about all possible outcomes. 4.5 hours later & I feel okay, just a bit strange. Maybe that’s my subconscious or the fact that the pill I took, took away my pregnancy hormone? And so I just feel weird.
Tomorrow is the big day, I’m feeling a little better now as I’ve been okay after this pill which I’m thankful for, but I’m absolutely scared of what’s gonna happen. The blood loss, the clots, the pain…the last thing I want is a traumatic experience, so fingers crossed it goes as smoothly as I’m hoping for it to go.
3rd July – Feel like shit. I’m exhausted, just feel so strange, and I’m really not ready to do the main bits today, I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long ass day.
11:06 am – It’s done. They’re in…all 4 of them
11:47 – Feeling a little crampy but I’m okay, just want this over with now… I’m still worried about bleeding / what’s going to come out of me… but I’m weirdly excited?? Like I’m finally not going to be pregnant.
12:45 – bleeding has started, cramps just feel normal.. hopefully they stay that way. I’ve had some music on & done some potching… so I’m good.
2:00 – 2 more tablets in, and it’s now 15:01 when I’m writing this and the big cramps are coming.
15:43 – Sharp cramps.. wish this would hurry.
16:15 – pad full and knickers and pyjama bottom change, but I feel so much better! Cramps have eased a bit too.. I knew when it was coming because the cramps just got stronger, my body was telling me exactly what was happening.
17:08 – another pad full and big clots, it’s nearly over
19:27 – It’s crazy how free I feel, I’m so proud of myself, I’ve done it all today on my own and having the boys to look after. I don’t regret a single thing… I’m free. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I feel so strange, I can just be exactly who I want to be again. I was so scared of regretting this, but it’s absolutely the right decision & I’m happy. Pour me the wine!!
20:17 – what a day… I never thought I’d feel like this after doing what I have. I feel so fucking proud of myself, and my confidence has shot through the roof.
Super fast forward to today, 15th July. I’m so happy, and so so glad I done it. I’m still bleeding a little which is kinda annoying because I just want it to be over with now, and of course I think about the whole process sometimes… but I’m so proud of me. It was absolutely the right choice
