I think one of the hardest things for me has been the talks with my husband.
I’m a small-town North Dakota girl, born and raised on a farm. I grew up Catholic (a whole lot of baggage with that!) But I have since branched away and am atheist with strong morals and ethics. I met my husband in college, we dated 5 years and got married. 1 year later we had our first baby girl C, and she was quite the shock to the family system! Haha. She is feisty and thriving at almost 3 years old. Then 2 years after her we had our second baby girl A. It was amazing how easy the transition to 2 was, she is the perfect baby. Smiles all day, goofy noises, and always watching her big sister. She’s now 9 months old but small for her age so she is still my little baby 🙂
After C was born, I suffered some major hormonal insomnia and anxiety, but never addressed it as strongly as I should have. I was much more aware and watchful of it the second time around so when baby A was born I started taking some anxiety meds and my life had finally become my own again! I was sleeping like I used to before kids (who knew that was possible!) and I felt like I was going to be getting some freedoms as my youngest would soon wean and I would be able to go out without kids and without a breast pump! OMG. What is that even?! As a stay at home mom, those breaks of freedom from diapers and tantrums can save one’s life and sanity. Trust me.
So when I found out I was pregnant, I cried and cried and felt like shit. Literally. There was no way I could mentally or emotionally handle going through a pregnancy while breastfeeding a 9 month old and chasing after a 3 year old. I remember peeing on that goddamn pregnancy stick and saw that second line show up right away and at first was in shock and almost excited! But as reality really sunk in… my gut told me that I had to get an abortion to save my mind and my soul. I knew I couldn’t do this. I knew I would sink into a hole and be a shitty mom for my girls. But I can say I also knew that my family and my husband’s family would have done everything in their powers to help me through it. I just didn’t want to do this to my body, my mind, nor my girls. I didn’t want to force my 9 month old to grow up faster, to make my 3 year old transition again so soon after Baby A came. I didn’t want that resentment during the whole pregnancy and what-if’s after baby came.
I cried for 5 days straight. I had morning sickness (no puking but felt like I had a hangover all day) and was depressed. I was a shitty mom sulking and crying and feeling like this parasite was attacking me and taking me away from my girls.
I think one of the hardest things for me has been the talks with my husband. We would just sit and talk about it every day, going over scenarios and decisions. I was terrified that my going through an abortion would completely change my relationship with my husband. I knew he would be completely against it and I can honestly say that I truly believe that even up until the last minute he was hoping I wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He somewhat tried to talk me out of the abortion. He wanted to just make it work. He didn’t want to lose a baby. I guess no one really wants to ever lose a baby. I didn’t want to lose a baby. It still breaks my heart to think about that baby. When I booked the appointment for the clinic and sent him the info, he came into the house from farming and really made me question this decision, asking me if I was absolutely sure about this. Ok, so maybe I’m painting this picture of him like he was begging me on hands and knees to not go through with it, he didn’t do that. He just really wanted me to really think over and over my decision.
And that’s also one of the hard parts about this. I know it is my body, my mind, my decision as a woman. But as a partner in my marriage… I wanted to validate and acknowledge my husband’s feelings in all of this. Which is honestly almost impossible. How can one listen and try to compromise on a decision like this, when a) The male has never and will never know what it is like to go through this change, physically or mentally and b) It is the female’s decision in the end? How is it possible to tell your husband that you are trying to acknowledge his choices and his needs and that you want to do what’s best for your family and your life while knowing that he so badly wants to keep this baby? I guess time will get us through that portion… I mean I did just have the abortion 1 week ago.
So we got up early on Wednesday and went downtown Fargo to the clinic. Yes I bawled as we drove by to see how bad the protestors were, yes I cried as we walked in, yes I cried as I was filling out the paperwork, and yes I cried when they brought me back to the procedural room and yes I cried while waiting on the table. It was the hardest, most draining, and saddest day of my life. We got there at 8:50am and didn’t leave until 1:30pm. It was an exhausting day and horrible waiting to go through with the surgery. Of course I had second guesses, but in my heart, I knew it was the right thing for me and for my girls.
Also I’m really fucking embarrassed and ENRAGED at our society and this goddamn conservative fucking patriarchal state. What the hell is wrong with this world that I am forced, as a respectable, law-abiding citizen who contributes justly to this economy and society, to go to the ONLY clinic that will perform this procedure in the state and and forced to go past those horrible protestors (what the hell is wrong with those satanic Christian idiots?) who hackle and chase after you, to sit and go through the whole processing of ultrasound, paperwork, fees, and the surgery for the longest, most horrible, saddest 5 hours. Why in the hell can women not go to their regular women’s clinic and have this procedure done?! It was unreal that it took so much waiting time and processing time throughout the day for a 5 minute procedure. Why would you place more shame on women for this!?!? And to top it off, the state law requires the receptionist to go through a list of statements after a woman calls and makes the appointment explaining that she has other options, she can give the baby up for adoption, get financial assistance, etc. So messed up. As if there isn’t enough guilt and shame placed on a woman in the first place. Ok sorry… rant over. (I am sure men feel shame for this too, but it’s nothing compared to what we women go through.)
