This is my fourth pregnancy in four years.
I have a 3 yr old, 1 yr old and had a miscarriage at 12 weeks in between those births. Each of those experiences had their unique brand of physical and spiritual trauma. As well, they had their moments of beauty and healing… particularly as they brought me two amazing little humans who I get to grow alongside as their mother. I love being a mom and I accepted being pregnant the first three times as my paths to motherhood.
This time, though, did not feel right. I didn’t want another child, another pregnancy. I had just started to feel my hormones getting back to baseline after my last pregnancy/post-partum.
And, this pregnancy or child didn’t fit into the life I am designing. My body isn’t just for making babies. It doesn’t just belong to my babies. It is amazingly capable and I want to dedicate it to other pursuits of creativity… to where, I feel, I am most needed now. I, like every woman, have a right to use my body however I choose. It is the patriarchy that conditions, fools or fears anyone into thinking otherwise and I want NO part in that.
I knew I was pregnant at about “3 weeks” (about a week after we conceived), explained my symptoms to my family doctor and received bloodwork. The test showed no HcG (no pregnancy) and my doctor told me I was 100% not pregnant. I tried to believe him and chalked up my symptoms to my cycle being wonky, as I had also just stopped breastfeeding. Then my period was late… and at 9 days late, I took two home pregnancy tests — both positive. Now I was about 5-6 weeks pregnant. I talked to my husband again about my decision and booked an appointment at the Mississauga women’s clinic (ontario) as soon as I could. I started to feel very pregnant for those 3 days between booking the appt and going… and I resented every minute of it. Feeling down and out, and not the best possible version of myself, confirmed my decision to end this pregnancy.
I feel fortunate to be able to make this choice, legally and safely… to reverse the mistake we made by not using contraception… and continue on with the life I feel I can step into and own: as mother of two, active leader in my work, and partner in a marriage (that is already at capacity with the very full and complex life we live).
I opted for the medical abortion. I started passing the pregnancy (emptying the uterus/bleeding) 22 hours after taking the first pill at the clinic (mifepristone). At 25 hrs after the first pill, I took the second set of pills (misoprostol). The bleeding was heavier for the first 6 hours (as predicted) and is now decreasing. I’ve been taking midol, ibuprofen, and gravol one time (for some mild nausea). Cramps were manageable and similar to how I feel on the heaviest day of my period. I also did some uterine massage with peppermint oil (which also helped with the bloating I was experiencing).
I don’t regret my decision and, overall, feel physically and emotionally okay. Hence, a “positive” experience.
For me, it was the bravest and wisest choice.
