I never got to grieve in the way that I would have liked to be able to.
I had an abortion when I was barely 19. My boyfriend at the time was a few years older than me, and we had only been together for a handful of months. I was in college, working a part-time job, and had zero intentions of ever having children.
I realized I was pregnant after getting morning-sick every day, being constantly nauseous, and being disgusted by my long-time favorite foods. My boyfriend bought a couple pregnancy tests, and I took them at his house. After both of the tests showed positive, I broke down into hysterics and called my best friend from the bathroom. I knew what my choice was going to be before I knew anything else. I did not know if my best friend would support my choice, but I knew she would support ME either way (and for that, I am still eternally grateful).
I did not tell anyone else. I hid it from my parents at home, and I went to school and worked through the pain and fear. I had to sneak around and travel multiple hours away to a location where I could have the procedure done. I had to call in to my supervisor sobbing about a medical emergency because I could not find someone to cover my shift, but I had to get in to the clinic that specific day (since I was already so many weeks along before I found out I was pregnant, it was the only day my boyfriend could take me/that there was an availability to come in, etc.).
Another thing I will always be immeasurably grateful for is how wonderful everyone at the clinic was. I was scared out of my mind, but I was safe, I FELT safe, and I knew I was making the right choice for me.
My boyfriend had to pay for everything, and I remember how guilty I felt, even though it was something we were going through together. I had no money to be able to do so, and even if I did, my parents could see my bank statements if they wanted, and I absolutely could not have them find out. I had grown up religious and was scared they would kick me out if they knew.
I chose to take the pills. The first one I threw up in the parking lot, so I had to go back in and take it again. I took the second pill at my boyfriend’s house. He worked overnights, but was home that evening before work. He slept on the couch across from me while I experienced the most intense physical pain and cramping I have ever experienced in my life. I tried to sob quietly, tried asking him to just hold me while I went through this, but he was “too tired.” I remember in that moment, I knew I would not stay with him past this experience. I never felt more alone, angry, scared, upset, exhausted, just desperate for someone to empathize with me, than in that moment.
I still cry when I think about any of this, almost six years later. I have coped this long by not thinking about it. I never got to grieve in the way that I would have liked to be able to. I experienced so much fear, as well as physical, psychological, and emotional distress. My heart aches for my younger self that had to go through this without ever fully grasping how this would impact me for the rest of my life. My family still does not know. I have told a few people close to me about my experience, but I do not think any of them quite understand how much I have been affected by this.
I stand by my choice. I cannot imagine my life in any other direction and I would not want to.
I want more than anything to be able to support others in their own decision-making. I chose to have an abortion, and I was able to receive one. My heart goes out to any and everyone who has ever had an abortion for any reason, and to anyone who felt and/or continues to feel like they are alone in their experience.
