Blurred Lines

I was raped. At first, I thought it was blurred lines. But now, looking back, it’s clear I was assaulted. I was so drunk I was falling asleep. He was completely sober and said he would give me a ride home, but he didn’t, he drove me to his house. I couldn’t walk straight to get in the door. He played a movie and I fell asleep fully clothed, only to wake up to him struggling to get the pants off my dead-weight of a drunk body. By the time I fully came to, he was already finishing inside me. I asked him for money for Plan B and he said I’d “be fine”. At 4 am I walked alone to go get Plan B from the local store, then walked home sobbing. I cried about it to a friend, got a STD test, and figured the Plan B would be my lifesaver. A month later, here I am pregnant. As much as I would love a baby, I’m not ready to have this baby that was forced onto me. Not only for the lack of quality my baby’s life would have, but in fear of having to have contact with my rapist again. I don’t want to ever think about him again, and I’m afraid of what he could do to me. I can’t afford a baby right now. I make responsible choices like using condoms, ordering Ubers, getting tested frequently, etc. So it just feels so unfair that because of someone else’s extremely selfish decision to use me, I should have to deal with the consequences. I feel horrible for this baby. It’s not the baby’s fault. I even named it. But for the well being of everyone in my life, it’s best not to bring this baby into my world right now. I feel so many emotions but hearing stories of women in situations like mine make me feel less alone. I love my baby, but I am putting myself first in this situation under the circumstances. I will mourn what could have been, and try to heal from the reasoning behind why I had to make this heavy decision. It’s not easy, but it feels right.