First I want to tell you why I’m sharing my story. Every abortion is different and every experience is different. I don’t think I found the information I needed to get me through and the guy I was seeing at the time didn’t either (you’ll read why below), it’s not represented as much as it should be!
I’m going to start from the beginning and bullet point the journey mainly because I don’t want to relive the emotions and I don’t think my writing will give the justice it deserves (every story, no matter what happened deserves to be shared and understood).
– I went on a bumble date, after three dates I told him I was moving 101 miles away (I made this choice before I met him, it might’ve been different if I met him sooner).
– We carried on dating. 3 months later, I moved 101 miles away.
– I missed my period. It could’ve been due to stress (thats why my friend told me), but I still took a test because I was regular.
– I thought I had a false-positive so took another test (after I sent a picture to my friend saying WTF).
– Second test confirmed it. I was pregnant. My friend called me straight away. I was in shock, I couldn’t say two words to her.
– I knew what I had to do, practically, I wasn’t going to get maternity pay being so new to my job. So for me, I couldn’t provide what I needed to for a child to live a happy life. (Just for reference, before this moment I’d always have said I’d never have an abortion – but for me it wouldn’t have worked).
– It took me 24 hours to tell the guy I was seeing and I texted him. These were my exact words, “So I got my test results back today, and they were positive… (my way of saying I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant).
I’ve had time to process and react by myself and I wanted to give you the same opportunity…
I think I know what I’m going to do. But I obviously wouldn’t disregard your opinion, so happy for you to express your thoughts.
I’ve never done this before so I’m not really sure what to do or say.
– He called me straight away. And said all the right things. He told me it was essentially my choice and he’d be there for it all. I asked him what he wanted, and we both wanted the same thing.
– We still carried on seeing each other, although we did miss three weeks. Mainly because he was busy hanging out with friends.
– During this time, I was throwing up every day. Felt tired and nauseous and hated the pregnancy. I was told I had to wait 4 weeks just for my consultation! At the time I was hiding it from my sister, so she just kept complaining that I was lazy. I did eventually tell her the truth.
– I can’t stress enough, even though someone is having an abortion, doesn’t mean they don’t go through pregnancy!
– Everything felt like effort. I didn’t want to see friends, or do anything. I just wanted to try and eat the nausea away!
– The guy I was seeing forgot it was my birthday and I told him I couldn’t see him the day before because I had a clinic appointment. He didn’t offer to come even though he was free.
– My sister drove me to the clinic to pick up my pills.
– I tactically decided when I could take them so I could enjoy my birthday and go to the first festival after 2 years. That meant I had a 9 day window.
– I took my first pill and tried so hard not to throw it up (because I didn’t want to start the process again).
– My second pill wasn’t great. I put it up the vagina and just waited, lying on my bed.
– It’s only when I stood up to go for a walk, when the bleeding started. Blood everywhere. Horrible pains. Big clots. I just wanted to sit on the toilet and cry all day.
– Every blood clot that came out, felt like a tiny piece of my baby that was coming out. It wasn’t a nice feeling. (I get very emotional and attached easily).
– I got a message from the guy I was seeing saying ‘thinking of you’ – that was it.
– A few days passed, hormones was flying everywhere. So I ended it with him (probably when I needed him the most).
– ”So I’ve been thinking a lot about this and it isn’t an easy decision. You’re an amazing person, and I wished things worked out differently – but I don’t think this is working for me anymore.
I like to have someone who’s there for me – more than I’d like to admit (to you, my friends know my quirks). I’m a little (a lot) needy – probably more needy these past few weeks and I’ve just felt very alone.
And it’s not really ideal seeing each other every 3 weeks… this isn’t me pointing fingers. Because I think I’m at fault too and I did have a really good time with you but I just think I need more.
(And this isn’t because you’ve forgotten my birthday – I actually found that pretty funny).”
– His response “Wow, I can’t believe I forgot your birthday. I didn’t realise the date.
Happy birthday if it means anything, it’s today right? I’ve been meaning to check but I am an idiot.
It was sad to receive that message. It was always going to be impossible to keep anything going with the distance. It’s a shame but completely fair enough. I don’t think I could offer much more rn.
I’ve really enjoyed the time though. Hope you can forgive the birthday.”
– My response: “It was actually 4 days ago, but I’m honestly not angry at the birthday. I’d rather you have been there for the abortion. There’s so many things I want to say right now, but going to refrain because emotions are running high and I’ll probably say something I regret”
– 12 hours later… he responded “I was really living in ignorance. I’m really sorry you felt like that. In hindsight I don’t have an excuse. I really should’ve been there I just underestimated the face you could do it at home…” – it goes on.
– I forgive him 3 days later. We see each other he treats me. We see each other again and he buys me a birthday present.
– Been bleeding excessively for 3 weeks so no sex for us. Although I started to feel bad about it. Tried to pleasure him as much as I could. And even told him my concerns.
– En route to his, he ends it with me. Tells me he’s seeing someone else, someone closer to where he lives. I’m trying my hardest to believe it’s after the abortion, but considering it was my first day of not bleeding…
– I call him, we speak. I mention the abortion, he tells me it’s a thing in the past. Maybe for him. But never for me.
– I’ve messaged him a few times. He hasn’t responded. He’s in the past, but the abortion will be something I live with forever.
