My husband and I have been together for 7 years with a 6 year old son. Up until this year we have always said we were happy with one and didn’t want anymore. Something changed for my husband and I came around to the idea even though still very reluctant. I took my IUD out in October and found out I was pregnant January 2nd, 2019. I fell on the floor in hysterics, a complete involuntary reaction. My husband was happy but devastated by my reaction and couldn’t understand why I was so upset when this is something we planned. I was only 4 weeks. I tried so hard to come around to the idea, baby registeries, planning the nursery, even playing around with names but something was missing. I was so disconnected and numb. I was suffering from severe antepartum depression which I had no idea even existed. It was debilitating, couldn’t function, full blown, manic depression. I keep pushing!
I couldn’t cope any longer on my own, my thoughts were dark and scary and I needed help. I started therapy at 12 weeks. I I had heard the heartbeat, had pictures of the ultrasound but still felt this overwhelming sense that I did not want to be pregnant. My husband was supportive but extremely hurt when I spoke about terminating.
I was and still am in emotional agony. I wanted so badly to want this child, to have the picture perfect 2 child household, for my husband, for my son to have a sibling, to bring more joy to our lives. I am angry and guilty that I didn’t listen to my self screaming not to have a baby in the first place. I feel irresponsible that I put myself and my family into such a terrible position.
I had a surgical abortion at 14 weeks 3 days.. We told our families i had a miscarriage because we couldn’t bare that weight being so far along into the pregnancy. The entire day was traumatic, emotional, but I don’t regret it. I only regret the fact that I could not figure out a way to be happy expecting a child. I still keep asking ‘what if i pushed passed the depression, what if i made it to the other side of 9 months’. But the risk of my marriage falling apart, or not being a good mother to my son because my mental health was deteriorating was not a risk I was willing to take. Even though it was my choice, I am still grieving a huge loss, a loss of hope, of not knowing what could have been. I grieve for my husbands excitement, for the adventures of a family of 4, the possibilities that could have been.
I am only 7 days removed from the abortion and am on an emotional rollercoaster. I am still in therapy and on an antidepressant. It’s hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel but i know it is there. I don’t know if I’ll ever have another child, I hope some day my maternal instinct will kick in but if it doesn’t, it’s something i will have to accept. For now, i am giving myself a lot of grace, rest, and time to heal.
No one else knows except my husband, so this is a much needed release. A step in the healing process…
