I felt like I didn’t have a reason which would be strong enough to justify having an abortion.
Exactly a year ago I found out that I was pregnant. I remember my world crumbling into pieces. I took four tests, all were positive. I was shocked. I don’t even remember If I cried. I remember I wanted to google abortion options instantly. I just knew it wasn’t right.
At the clinic they gave me 7 days to decide. This was the hardest week of my life. My heart was broken. I was making a decision but at the same time I felt like I had just one option. My boyfriend could imagine having a baby. This somehow made things worse. I was mad that he was making a different decision. I couldn’t imagine the scenarios that he could. I wanted him to have a say in it, I want him to feel heard. But I couldn’t change the way I felt for anyone, not even him. And in the end, it was my body. My choice?
I never felt any intense maternal instincts, like some of my friends did. I always thought that having a baby was a huge responsibility and I would only consider it once I knew who I was, mentally healthy and in a stable long term relationship. This was not my situation a year ago. It’s not even like that right now… But is that a reason that’s good enough?
I was 25, almost 26. Those are the reproductive prime years, right? It wasn’t too early for me. My boyfriend wasn’t a jerk, in fact he was very supportive. I wasn’t raped. We both have families that would support us. Thanks to them, we would even make it financially, even though we haven’t finished university yet and didn’t have stable jobs.
I felt like I didn’t have a reason which would be strong enough to justify having an abortion. I couldn’t sleep at night and I spent hours on the internet, trying to find stories of women who had abortions and whose situation could resemble mine. I needed someone to normalize it. But people usually don’t talk about it, do they.
A social worker at the clinic told us that when people ask her why would anyone have an abortion, she says: because they care. This was very important for me. I did care. I cared for the little bean in my stomach, even though I didn’t have the courage to look at the ultrasound. I want him or her to come when the time is right.
After it was done, I felt relief. I also felt pain but the physical pain was much easier to survive than what I felt before. However, I was studying abroad at that time and in the following months I was very lonely. I knew I made the right choice but I was also sad and felt a lot of shame and I had nobody to share it with. I guess the hormones leaving my body combined with the loneliness made it hard for me to enjoy life.
Then my friend had a baby. I cried at her christening. Other friends got married. I cried at their wedding. I felt like everyone was moving in an opposite direction. In a direction that I declined, in a direction which wasn’t right for me. For some reason, it made me feel ashamed and like a loser. For the first time in my life I was able to imagine having a family in the future – and that made me feel guilty.
I went through a long process of dealing with my choice after the abortion. On the way I met relief, depression, loneliness, guilt and shame. I had a few breakdowns. I wasn’t sure If I was a murderer, as the pro-life activists kindly point out on the internet. I didn’t know how to forgive myself. I felt weird when I tried to fight the stigma by telling people. I felt weird when I didn’t tell them. I still do.
Now it’s been a year and I realize that it’s ok to feel relief. It’s ok to be grateful that I don’t have a child now. It’s ok that the best choice for me is different than for others. It’s the right choice to listen to my own voice and I don’t need to explain that to anyone.
What helped me to believe my own words is that I stumbled upon sites that normalize abortion. I feel less alone and I want to share my story. I want to shout my abortion. I want others to know that their reasons are good enough.
