At the age of 18 I moved out of my parents house and to a city an hour away. I had many reasonings but the main one was that the ‘love of my life’ was there. Before moving, I would drive every weekend to see him even if it was only for a single night. We had spent a couple months together before actually making it an official relationship.
We would spend every night together even though we lived apart. I was 19 and he was only a couple years older than me.
I’ve had pregnancy scares in the past due to crazy hormones but this one felt different. I remember so clearly sitting in the bathtub and thinking to myself “I AM pregnant.” I just felt it. Of course, I put this feeling on the back burner and continued with my daily life.
Eventually, I could see physical changes to my body ( my breasts mostly ) and could feel myself getting so sick and nauseated to the point where I had to call into work. I was working two part time jobs one being a coffee shop and the other being a bridal store. After about two weeks I decided to make my way to the local grocery store and purchase a pregnancy test, the whole time telling myself that there was no point in me taking it and that It would just end up being negative. I paced in the store for an hour before actually picking one up and heading home.
Three minutes passed and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was pregnant and panicking. I grabbed the test and immediately rushed over to my boyfriend’s apartment. He was still asleep in bed but after multiple phone calls he answered the door. I didn’t say a single word I just handed him the test and then went and laid in his bed. We were both in shock and not in the right mindset to be making any life changing decisions… or at least I wasn’t. Immediately, he tells me that we can’t keep it. I had no idea what to say this being in the first two hours that I had found out, I had not expected that to be his answer since he was very pro-choice and usually supportive of me.
After sitting in silence for a couple hours we decided to let this settle and just go on like it was a normal day.
I (the only person who should’ve been able to make this decision) had not made up my mind about what I wanted to do. I was hoping my BF at the time would warm up to the idea of having a kid because deep down I truly felt like this was going to be the best thing for me.
Around this same time I had landed an interview for a higher up at a hotel that would pay a lot more than anything I was doing at that time. I told myself before going into my interview that if I was to receive this job, I would go through with the pregnancy. I immediately was offered the job and I was thrilled.
As I was starting this new job, morning sickness had become even worse. I was so sick to the point that I could not move and had to call in multiple days in a row and ended up losing my job because of the days I had to take off for the actual abortion. Not only was this pregnancy extremely hard on my physical health but also on my mental health. I am very much pro-choice and have always been but my family does not share the same beliefs as me so I felt that I couldn’t share anything with them until I had made a decision.
Around this same time my sister-in-law and brother made an announcement that they would be welcoming a baby into the world. I was thrilled but also envious that my sister-in-law could talk about this freely with everyone in our family. She would talk about the connection she felt and her morning sickness and any names she picked out. I was heartbroken that I felt I couldn’t do the same.
I would call my mom every day and cry because I was overwhelmed with emotions and couldn’t tell her the truth about what was going on. I wasn’t receiving any emotional support from my boyfriend and was even shown a cold shoulder when I would bring up anything that had to do with being pregnant. I had absolutely no one to talk to. I seemed to be the only one who could have been happy with this situation.
After weeks of trying to convince him that this could be a good thing and receiving nothing but negative thinking and “absolutely not”, I gave in to what my boyfriend wanted. In my head this was one of the people that I had the most love for (and in fact told him for the first time that I loved him while we were going through this process) and would have done anything for. We went to the clinic and got the pills that I needed and went home.
It was the most painful thing that I had experienced. I took the pills and spent two days going through something I didn’t really want to go through.
I remember looking in the mirror and holding my stomach and feeling bliss. I remember making lists of baby names and making plans for a future that I had always wanted with this person.
He never wanted the same things I did. I wanted to love him fully and forever and he rejected me. He took a piece of me and the emptiness still lingers. We spent three years together and ended up moving in with each other but in the end it just wasn’t what he wanted.
I look back on it now and wonder why I still feel such an emptiness. I wanted this baby that I could love unconditionally and put all of my life towards even if it meant being alone for it.
I don’t know if I regret it or not. I try to tell myself that I don’t but I just feel a hole in my heart. It’s been two years since we broke up and he has treated me so poorly. I never received an apology because he didn’t think he was wrong. I’m 22 now and I don’t know how to let anyone in.
