Turning Towards the Future

by Emily

January 16, 2020

It was only when I had a cramp so severe and strange—like a sustained bolt of lightning that also made my feet go numb—that I finally decided to google what I knew was happening in my body. My typical curiosity had, until that moment, been dampened to nothing.

I was utterly of two minds, logical and emotional. I knew—had even talked to my partner in past—that I was going to have an abortion if I happened to get pregnant during this part of my life. What I had not expected was the great pride and joy I felt in my ability to grow a life, the startling rush of that hormonal cocktail that makes our planet what it is. Somehow I was able to hold both things. I was soon going to not be pregnant, but I was happy to be pregnant.

I cried a lot in the days leading up to my appointment. The turning point for me was discovering this website, after that fateful cramp. Stories that I related to, ones that I didn’t—for some reason they all gave me more strength and clarity than I’d had since seeing that glowing blue pee-soaked line.

I just took the first of two pills that will induce a medical abortion. I did not, at any point, feel uncertain or unhappy at the office, and still feel calm and certain in my decision. This was surprising to me, as the past few days have been emotionally charged to say the least. I thought I would feel more of a sense of grief, but I’m happy it’s finally happening—waiting was difficult. I am scared for tomorrow, but know that I will make it through. I can already feel myself turning towards the future.

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