I never thought it would happen to me, but it did, and that is okay.
I had been on and off with my ex for a year and was so unbelievably fed up. I had met this guy on holiday who was a little older than me and hooked up with him. The first guy I had ever hooked up with. He never wanted to use protection. I asked a few times, but he was always hesitant, and I was feeling very carefree so didn’t argue much. The following morning, I took the morning after pill. We kept seeing each other for the week we had left together and at the end of the week, I took the morning after pill again. In hindsight, this was not good for me or effective use at all. The week with him was fun and relaxed, not something I had been used too with my ex. When we left each other, it felt like a breath of fresh air to have had a care-free fling. The following week, I came home and felt strange. Being a few days late, I took a test. I was pregnant. I knew what my choice was before I even took the test. I was 19, he was 25, he lived halfway across the world and, most importantly, I didn’t want to have a baby at 19. That in itself is enough justification. Within 5 days I began my medical termination and by the following week it was all over. I only told my mum and still don’t feel comfortable sharing it with anyone else. Not because I am ashamed but because it is no one else’s business to have an opinion on and I do not want to hear any opinions.
I think what resonates with me now is not the choice to have an abortion or the abortion itself. More, the lack of understanding I had of my own reproductive organs. The fear I felt when I saw those two lines came from a lack of education on how to deal with what to do next. And a lack of education on contraception. Sometimes I feel angry with myself for not being firmer and insisting he used protection, but I am surrounded by my friends who tell countless stories on how they never used protection, so a relaxed nature was very normal to me. I am not a victim. Yes, I fell pregnant and I, powerfully, chose to have an abortion. That was my decision I am grateful to be able to make. A decision all women should be able to make.
I think my message to anyone reading this would be, you are not alone, and you did nothing wrong. You are a human and sex is no bad thing. I don’t feel ready yet, but one day, I would like to openly talk about my abortion to help end the stigma. This is one step closer. There is nothing to be ashamed of.
