I’d always wanted children, I still do.
I knew I was pregnant, almost immediately, it sounds stupid but I knew something wasn’t right. I knew I didn’t want to be, not with him. So I took the morning after pill, knowing there was a chance it wouldn’t work because I was over the weight recommendation, I took it and hoped for the best.
My period was only 2 days late when I took my first test. Friends told me not to worry and to wait a few days but I knew. I wasn’t surprised when the test came back positive.
The next two days were a blur, 3 more positive tests and I booked a doctors appointment to confirm what I already knew. He asked if it was planned, I said no.
I told my mum, she was amazing, both of my parents were. They didn’t force my hand or make me do anything I didn’t want to do. They would support me either way.
Very early on I knew I couldn’t have it. The father had treated me like shit, was seeing another girl, had bad family ties and didn’t want anything to do with me or it.
I could do it alone, but i didn’t want to.
I wanted my kids to have parents that loved it, wanted it and would do anything for it.
I still do want that.
So my mum made all the appointments for me, I had to have bloods, a scan and a phone call with a nurse before I could get an abortion.
I just wanted it to be over, but I understood the process.
Mum didn’t want to come to the scan and I understand why. This was her first grandchild and she didn’t wanna get attached. I didn’t look at the scan or hear a heartbeat. Which was for the best.
A week went by and I was booked in for the following Monday. I went for a surgical abortion. The procedure was fairly simple and easy and I walked out feeling a little out of it but ok. The nurse and doctors were great.
I felt at peace with my decision, that I’d made the right choice for me and the child.
But the pain came weeks later. I started thinking how far along I would be, I would be telling people now. I would be showing.
It’s a hard pain, to not be able to talk about it. To not show how upset you are, to be alone through it all.
To grieve something you never had, to grieve a life you haven’t lived. To think about the child you could of had. It’s a pain I can’t explain and a pain I don’t think I’ll ever lose.
I have all the love and support a girl could need and I still feel lost.
But I made the right choice, yeah?
