in february of 2023 i met a boy. he was less than a year younger than me but was 14 at the time. the first two weeks of our relationship he already pressured me into having sex. i was uncomfortable the whole time and would always begging him to stop or not to “get in my pants” and i would talk about how i wanted to grow my relationship with the lord. he never respected any of my decisions. he never wanted to wear condoms. “it doesn’t feel as good”. i’m not sure why, by the extremely high risk of pregnancy was rarely a thought in my mind. although it should’ve been. i begged him to wear condoms. i even bought some and he wore them the first few minutes but took it off after. i now have realized that he always came inside of me. the abuse was awful, but somehow i always made excuses for his behavior. the bruises he left, the clothes i wasn’t allowed to wear, the names he called me, the forceful sex, the people i wasn’t allowed to talk to or hangout with (even girls ive known for years), the lies, the threats, complimenting other girls bodies infront of me and my mom multiple times. there’s so much more. i was sick of the relationship and wanted out so bad but was terrified for the things he would do and say when i finally broke up with him.

fast forward a bit.. i was on a school trip. the whole time i felt awful. i knew something was wrong. i couldn’t even go shopping with my friend without needing 1000mg of ibuprofen (which i now know you shouldn’t take when pregnant). i was with my friends one night and bought a test. it was positive. beforehand.. when i had a feeling, i looked up everything possible about getting an abortion without my parents knowing. the night i found out, i ordered the pills. the same night that he showed up to my location and told everyone when i begged him not to say a word. he promised.

the pills from first aid access ended up getting delivered to the wrong address, by that time the whole school knew and the principal called my mom. other parents called her too. she found out. i lied about it for as long as i could. until i couldn’t. i didn’t know how far along i was so i didn’t know how effective the pills would be if i were to order them and wait. the same day we drove to a state where abortions were legal. my mom was calling me names and telling me how my life it ruined. how i’m a whore. my dad was quiet the whole time but filled with disappointment. i’ve always been close with him but never my mom. i went to planned parenthood and found out i was 5 weeks and 5 days along. the ultrasound tech was the most comforting woman i’ve ever met and i will always remember her. she said multiple times “ you’re just a baby. i hate that you’re going through this. you’re so beautiful”. when it was over, his mom texted me.. offering to keep the baby if i had it but supported any decision i made. his dad never knew. his parents were divorced and his mom lived far away. everyone asks me questions and over a year later..

i still deny that i had the abortion and was pregnant, because he told EVERYONE. i live in a small town in the south. it would’ve never been acceptable. it’s been some time and although i think about it daily, it still hurts. i have so many questions about what my life would’ve been like. but in the end i’m so proud of myself for getting out of the relationship, making the decision and staying strong when it was difficult.