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The child I will forever want.

by LJ

May 22, 2019

Content Warning: PTSD

So last year I was in a marriage that was breaking me as a person. I’m 26 and felt so suffocated in my own life. Long story short, I bumped in to a previous male best friend of mine  (I’ll refer to him as D) that my husband had stopped me from seeing for 6 years – We realised that we had both always wanted to be together but neither of us had ever had the courage to tell the other and potentially wreck our long standing friendship.

I cheated on my husband with him. (Saying those words still fills me with shame so you don’t need to remind me what an awful person I am!) – By this time my relationship with my husband was pretty non-existent, he worked all hours and if he was home he would spend all of his time in his ‘mancave’ ignoring the fact that I was home however still making me feel guilty for wanting to go out and see my friends!  I fell pregnant and although D had not previously realised he wanted children – We both wanted desperately to keep our baby and raise a family together – I had never felt so sure about anything.

It just couldn’t happen – We both knew that it was too complicated and we could not bring an innocent child in to the world that way. I had a medical abortion 1 day before the 9 week cut off time and D could not have been more supportive – I knew for sure then that I had in fact been in love with D for a decade and he was the one constant in my life that had never left my mind (even when I wasn’t allowed to see him!) and that we couldn’t be apart from each other . We had the abortion on the Thursday – On the Sunday I plucked up the courage to leave my husband.

Fast forward a few months and D and I are happily living our life together. The theoretical due date of our child is tomorrow and we have both taken the day off work to spend together. I do not know how I will feel about it all when I wake up – We have both had a few occasions when a baby on TV or such like has caused both or one of us to breakdown and I have also been diagnosed with a mild form of PTSD from my doctor after spending the last 6 months constantly feeling like I can’t breath and working myself up. It hits me sometimes that we have been together and happy for a while now and all of our friends and family are so happy for us and actually, we could have made it work, maybe, if we’d tried really hard – But I know that at the time it was the right decision.

I am so thankful for the support that D and I have given each other in this situation and I know that others are not as lucky to have that – I feel deeply for anyone that has had to make this choice, whether it be 100% the right decision or it’s later regretted. It’s something that changes you as a person and something that I don’t believe anyone could truly get over.

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