I grew up..in a much different state then where I am now..I shifted places all my life..dad was never around (but when I finally met him, he told me a different story.) mom passed away when I was 13.
After that I was raised by my grandparents..but beyond that..I grew up watching my auntie being a single mother. Raising two daughters by her self..flipping from house this weekend over and over..even doubting my own self..and asking myself “why aren’t me and my brother have the same last name!”…I wanted my family to have that..but yet..it has not come..
Fast forward my auntie had another baby..same do overs…child support and a man she will soon never stay with..
Then I watched my other aunt…who had her very first kid..I remember her sharing my room..and her too had the very same thoughts that I still struggle with..”aren’t I pretty to have a baby with” “when will be my time?”…you know the feelings, if you ever felt this way..it hurt..but I couldn’t voice my opinion..cause maybe she’ll think that I wouldn’t understand…eventually she got married..to the guy she got pregnant with..to everyone this might be a good ending..but..it is not when she calls my grandma almost everyday and wonders if she got married to to right guy..but the sad story is..every one knows in my family she still holds onto that “ideal family” that even I see. She’ll never let go…problem with me tho..is it hasn’t even existed for me..it’s still a vision I see..
Now…let’s go to the point of all this..
November 2018..(my 28th birthday)
I scheduled this appointment cause I probably knew I had some sort of bacterial infection..I was wrong…oh, so very wrong..you see in the past I’ve looked at the signs..but they never seemed to apply to me..and I would panic for no reason..this time..idk why I thought that..maybe it was the full year of already knowing something I already knew, infection after infection…but I didn’t know anything about this..they told me I was pregnant..I nervously laughed very loud as if I planned for it..”you excited?” They said with pleasure in their eyes. “Oh god no” I was beyond shocked..what do I say? What do you say? It was my birthday..and this was a total shock!
They told me at the time I was 8 weeks..even showed me a glimpse of this little ball like thing..I’m so very grateful that they said you don’t have to make any decisions now..
But..they nailed everything that needed to be done..I was to see a therapist to support me on any decision I make…doctor visits…etc..
I didn’t really go to too much..still comprehending the idea..that it existed..that “finally” it happened to me..the first couple weeks was shock…I didn’t know what to do..
After that I dreamed..I saw everything from walking…to laughter…to being picked up..something to come home to…all the way from graduating high school..but it all came to a halt when I talked to my boyfriend..how would he feels about all this…
“Panic”..is what he said…that to me as a huge major red flag..after all my vision was suppose to be excitement!…but it wasn’t..
I considered everything…even adopting it to some sweet couple…but them moving another state away and me trying my hardest to reach them, scared me…and I heard all the negative stories from foster care…didn’t want that either..this was my only choice…I know this sounds selfish…but take it to consideration that this is my first…I wanted everything…everything that child did or will ever do shared with my eyes and mine alone…I didn’t wanna share it…with some family that I would see after work…
I really didn’t have anyone to turn to….was torn..my co-works were all excited…and said “if I could do it, so can you”…but at home…the situation acted as if it never existed…I turned to someone hoping to shed some light…long story short..he said basically “behind all the photos…and the happiness they show you. It’s all a white lie…they wish they were wiser”…and I went deeper into that statement…I learned so much of what the world shows, but what they really wanna do kinda thing…main thing is….the world wants you financially ready. They don’t want more people getting all these benefits…it help yes….but they really don’t wanna do it.
I didn’t see anyone until I was 12 weeks…planned parenthood said I was too late from them…they didn’t wanna waste my time so they told me on the phone to go to lovejoy…(planned parenthood was never really helpful thoughout this process)…
Even at lovejoy..they said take your time..my first ultrasound was with them..so amazing how tiny it was and how fast it grown from 8 weeks to 12!..my second sign came after that..when I showed him the picture and two seconds later gave it back..with not even an ounce of excitement..he said he was more mad that he couldn’t come in..
15 weeks is when I made my decision..it was a two day procedure..it wasn’t bad..it just scary when your going into something unknown..I went in the morning, before all the protesters woke up..my anxiety shot up when they told me to change..and started bleeding cause of the the stick they gave me the day before. (Green tampon per say)..I was crying hysterically..they put me on the bed..and thankfully they were all kind. I remember one doctor petting my hair, shhing me like a mother would do to her kid..he knew when I was ready..last thing I remember was this thing on my mouth and me adjusting since my neck is highly sensitive..and someone saying “no, don’t move that”…lights out.
I woke up in a daze..after that they gave me some crackers and water..and for some strange reason I said “is it gone?” They said yea..I did some hiccups cries but it was more silent..after everything was clear and ready for me to check out then there was protesters..thankful the doctors told us a different way out. But you can still hear them…and I’m sure one of them was yelling at us.
That was June of 2019..4 months have past..everyone seems to say I’m happier and I am. My motivation is that my mother in heaven is caring for it..my baby knows no illness, no sadness..no nothing but pure happiness..and that’s all I ever wish for. The day I would’ve been due..(it’s such a weird coincidence) but I got my implant that day..didn’t plan it that way..just a light bulb went on in that doctors office.
Even tho..it just me and my boyfriend and a flooffy baby..I’m glad it’s just us..it is hard at times…cause now I got this label on my head that I am the first in my family to do so..yet, no one knows…but at the same time..I don’t wanna see the same patterns repeat..I would hate myself. And wonder why dad hasn’t came for their 12th birthday, or the kids wondering why their parent doesn’t love each other anymore…I felt like I made the better decision..
This vision of this “ideal” family is still in my head..and until everything fits..there it would stay.
