My favourite “what if”

by Anonymous

August 17, 2022

I was 18 when I found out. Freshly out of high school. My boyfriend was mentally ill at the time and times were extremely rough. He got the help he needed and he is doing amazing now, but that’s beside the point of this story.

I found out in a grocery story bathroom. I was late by 3 weeks and decided I should take a test. I bought it, went straight to the restrooms and just like that, positive. I cried for minutes wondering what I was going to do with my life. Keep in mind, at this time, I was against abortions. I was raised in a household where it was sin to do so. So I was terrified. Terrified because I knew no matter what I went though with, there would be trouble.

I didn’t tell anyone for weeks. The first person I told was my best friend at the time. She was happy, excited to be “aunt”. But I was struggling with what I knew was going to be the most difficult situation in my life yet. I couldn’t even tell my boyfriend I was so scared it would affect his mental health or our relationship.

After a few weeks, I finally couldn’t continue with the 2 am bathroom cries when everyone was asleep. I broke down and told my boyfriend. He was struggling just as much as I. While we both would have loved to be parents, we knew we couldn’t give a life to this child that would be fair. And that if we went through with an adoption, I would be “disowned” by my family.

While all this stress and fear was running through us, I was preparing myself to go through with it and become a teen mom. However, my boyfriend couldn’t handle only him and I knowing so he told his mom. I was furious with him.

His mom came to me a few days later and we talked. She told me how she had an abortion before him and as scary and difficult as it was, it was the best thing she did for herself. For her own right. She pretty much told me I had no choice but to go through with the abortion option. I resented her for even bringing it up to me for the longest time. Sometimes I still do, but I know she was right.

And as you probably know where this story goes, I went through with the abortion. I was 12 weeks in when it happened. The pill was no longer available at that time. It was extremely difficult for me to have to go through, but 3 years later and even tho I still get upset about it from time to time and have a breakdown on the annual date, it was the best decision I made for myself and my “what if”. And that moment will always be my favourite “what if”.

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