It will be okay

by Nicole

March 9, 2022

I told myself after my termination I would share my experience because reading all of these brave women stories helped me cope with my decision in the prior days to my surgical abortion.

I’m 32 and my life is absolutely perfect (well according to my life perception standards of perfection).

I have been working since I was 15 , I put myself through college for all of my degrees including my masters. I have an amazing career (it’s extremely stressful at times) I have an amazing husband and a beautiful home that we bought together.

We had a beautiful wedding just a few months ago.

Now fast forward after you get married we are coerced into thinking children are next … well to be honest I was in no rush but I kept hearing that I’m already 32 from every turn that I made with my family and my husband’s family .

I found out I was pregnant on Valentine’s Day and after taking 10 pregnancy tests I sat on my bathroom floor and all of a sudden felt suffocated. I felt like I have lived my life for so long pleasing everyone including my husband. I never wanted a house, I had owned a 1 bedroom condo prior to my husband and he refused to move in with me at the condo so we bought a house, a house I didn’t care for because it needed a ton of construction, I never wanted the big wedding but I had the big wedding and also paid for most of it because of my husband. I had realized I had lived a long life of pleasing my family and then that transferred to pleasing my husband.

The first thought of the pregnancy was “when will I get to live for me.” I can’t give up working I make more than my husband but we couldn’t afford daycare and our families weren’t like our friends families who helped them with their kids .

I felt the weight of all the responsibilities of the baby on me. My husband was so excited and said how he will help with this and that and be there throughout it all and be hands on but honestly I didn’t have that confidence in him because when we had gotten our dog he left me with the puppy the first night and went out with his friends. My husband always has the best of intentions but I always got stuck with the responsibilities of it all.

I decided to make an appointment to planned parenthood – ironically they had an office 5 minutes away from me. They asked me what services am I looking for, I said I’m undecided. A few days later I called back and I said termination but I did not tell my husband as of yet.

My husband thought I was going to planned parenthood because they were the only gyno that would see me the earliest because he tried calling numerous gyno offices around me and no one would see me in such early gestation I was 7 weeks

I went to my first appointment, they tried over charging me which I had no issue paying however I knew I had amazing insurance so I called the insurance company there and three way PP billing department . First PP told me my copayment was $275 which I knew wasn’t accurate then after I spoke to the insurance it was $30 for the visit. What a significant difference .

The counselor at the first PP consult scared me when she told me about all of the complications from surgical abortion such as women having instruments poking their organs or being brought to the emergency room because of an issue during the procedure. So I was terrified. Then the Nurse practitioner did an ultra sound and she was kind of mean because I was tensed and she said you keep fighting me when I’m trying to get the ultra sound , I apologized and said that I don’t like the feeling of pressure. I asked her for a printout of the ultra sound and she gave it to me .

I cried because I was so torn should I pick me and have a few more years of just living for me ? Or should I have this baby and please my husband . I was so terrified of being depressed throughout the entire pregnancy or even having post partum and not wanting to see the baby. I went to the 1st consult on Tuesday and the procedure was scheduled for today (Saturday ) .

My husband took me to the 1st consult and he had to wait in the parking lot, I lied to him and said that PP said if that everything looks good except I might have to go on bed rest during the pregnancy.

He wanted me to get a second opinion when I told him. Then I said that I think we should terminate and they said the earlier to terminate the better. My husband entire demeanor changed .

My stress levels and depression kept growing. Nothing made me happy I just wanted this to be over and done with.

Today came and the built up on having surgery scared me so much I was constantly back and forth and scared. I woke up and showered and kept asking myself am I making the right decision . Finally I went to my husband while he was sleeping to tell him he has to get up and asked him if we are doing the right thing. He said to me YOU MADE THE DECISION AND THE APPOINTMENT but as your husband I will take you there. I cried the entire way there and my husband was not loving .

Finally we got there for exactly 8 am . This entire experience was completely different than the first consult . EVERY SINGLE STAFF MEMBER was the most loving and caring people. My counselor Kitty was the best she was informative and sweet and even went over everything so gently and told me she understands .

Then brought me to the room and the nurse, anesthesiologist and doctor was so informative . Coincidentally the doctor is a coworker of mine and she only works two days at PP.

She went through the entire process and told me how safe it was and said driving to come to the facility is more dangerous than the actual procedure . She said since I’m 7 weeks it will last 2 mins which it did . I was put in the moderate sedation and I felt NOTHING and I’m very squeamish and have very low pain tolerance. Then I was helped by the nurse to get dressed and go into the recovery room which I was greeted with candy and water . I was in there for 10 mins and my husband was called and the nurse escorted me to him.

The PP where I had the procedure was so clean and friendly and loving . I can’t thank them enough.

For anyone that is scared please don’t be you will be okay I promise.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!