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It was Valentine’s Day

by Danielle

April 8, 2019

One of the most empowering decisions I made to heal my relationship with my body was to come off birth control. I was in my late 20s, and for the first time in my adult life I was becoming acquainted with my own cycle. With this new awareness of my body came a deeper sensitivity- a feeling of being in tune.

 

It therefore came as no surprise that I could immediately perceive your arrival. After an especially healthy period of my life filled with yoga, daily journaling and spiritual nourishment, I awoke one banal Thursday morning knowing intuitively that something was different.

 

When I took a pregnancy test a few days later I was at once floored yet unsurprised to learn that you were growing inside me. My boyfriend of two years had left on a 2 week business trip the day before, so I found myself alone to contemplate what to do next.

 

Feeling hormonal, tired and weepy I knew I needed to take my time before making any decisions. I spoke openly and lovingly with my partner. I sought counsel from my soul sisters. I journaled. I went on long walks where I cried without shame in front of perfect strangers. I googled your star sign (Libra) and imagined what it might be like to be your mother.

 

There is no such thing as a “wrong” choice in life- yet there are plenty of excruciating ones. Deciding not to keep you meant I was reclaiming my autonomy.  However, the prospect of banishing you from my body also shattered me.

 

It was Valentine’s Day and I was 5 weeks pregnant. I held a small ceremony for your safe passage. I lit candles, burned sage and listened to soothing medicine music. I meditated and I cried and as I invited your sweet soul to find another womb in which to grow.  I told you I was not prepared to take on the mantle of motherhood but that I would always love you. I took the pill the doctor told me we would cease your heart from beating, and I sat there in silence as your life slipped away from me. At 5 weeks, you were already more real to me than most people I know.

 

As women we bleed, yet we do not die. Our inner strength is immeasurable and our capacity to hold space for contrast knows no bounds. As I write this on international Women’s Day I have never been more fiercely proud to be a woman.

 

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!