It is okay to change your mind

by La

February 26, 2021

I always had a really clear opinion about abortions – and I had to learn that a strong opinion also can change. Whenever I got asked what would you do if you get pregnant, My answer was clear: I’ll keep it, I’m old enough, I’m responsible for what I did and when it happens it’s okay, I’ll be ready to give all my love and keep the baby. This was my answer since I was 18 years old.

I was 24 when I had my abortion. It was 3 days before my birthday.

I meet my ex at a festival 2 month after we split up. We were both drunk. In these 3 years that we had been together, we always used protection. Not that night. When I made the pregnancy test, my sister was beside me – we were both in someway excited because I was sure, I’ll keep it and for almost 10 days I kept this happiness inside me – until I realized – I can’t do it. I won’t do it. I never really understood what made me change. Since I always had this clear meaning about abortion, since I try to live a life where I don’t harm any other being on this earth and since I told that thing in my belly that I’ll be there for it.

Now, I stood there, everyone telling me what they would do, what they think would be good for me, my family, a few of my friends – they told me I should keep it. I already had physical breakdowns in the past, they worried about me, how much it will break me when I take the pill. On the other side, my ex, telling me that he will not be there for the kid, that he doesn’t want it. So I tried to find out what I really want. But since the clock was ticking, it got harder and harder. I tried to meditate, I went to my spiritual healer etc. Nothing helped. I was so confused. But then, I heard that voice, that inner voice, if I can’t say 100% yes to a baby yet, it’s okay to take the pill. And then I just wanted to have this abortion.

So I called the hospital to make an appointment, and I had to argue with them, that they give me an earlier appointment, so I would not have to do it on my birthday. My mother went from telling me that she will help me and that I should keep it to bring me to the hospital and stayed with me for that abortion. I felt so supported.

I took that pill and went home. What I didn’t know was, that I’ll have 24 hours of pain in front of me, I vomited, I cried, and I was alone in my room. 2 days later I had to go to the hospital to take the second pill. My mum and a friend came with me. They stood by my side and the nurse was just an angel. She didn’t judge me, no, she looked at me and said, never forget, it was a decision you had to make at this certain moment, and it’s absolutely okay.

Then she asked me if I want to take it with me (I was in the 7 weeks when I had the abortion, you could not yet recognize a fetus), and she brought it in a little cardboard box with butterflies on it, so I could bring it to the forest and have a little ritual. This was so important for me. I’m a spiritual person – so I said good-by on several levels to this little soul.

My little baby, we spent a few lucky days together, and I will always wonder how it would have been if I had kept you. But I’m also happy the way it is now. I went back to therapies after this, I talked with my ex, I talked with my family and with my friends. I talk about it very openly. The first 4 months were like hell. I cried every day, I cried when I got up, I cried when I went to sleep, I cried when I saw a baby.

I thought I will never ever be able to be happy the way I was before, I thought I never will be able to get close to kids again. But almost 1.5 years later, I have a godchild and I have a few friends with babies, which I love to spend time with. I got a whole new way to see kids. I still feel the pain. I still miss my little soul, because I really would have loved to keep her but I do not regret my decision. For me, it always was a girl.

What helped me was time and my supportive family and friends. So in the beginning, I always asked why did I do that, why did this happen – so I judged myself – I judged the situation, but then instead I started to ask myself: what is it good for? I’ve learnt a lot. And I don’t judge myself anymore because it’s okay to change opinion. So I learnt – It’s okay if your moral and ethical opinion is different and you’re still getting this abortion. If I can wish, I never would have an abortion again, but I never will know under what circumstances I might stand if I get pregnant again. So I’ve learnt, that there are situations and topics I can’t say “never”, or I can’t even say what I would do because even if I imagine it, I don’t know how it will be in the end if I’m really in the situation.

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