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Intuition & Doubt

by Lydia

September 10, 2018

Content Warning: verbal abuse

I had an abortion Monday, June 25th, 2018, 9 a.m. Pacific Standard Time. I was (and still am) 20 years old. I woke up early to drive from the small town in Utah where I was currently living to Las Vegas. Utah law is that before scheduling your appointment, there is a mandatory 3 day waiting period. The law makes sure you a chance to second guess yourself, or something. I didn’t really care, I’d spent the last few weeks puking all over the place, in a constant state of nausea, in 110 degree weather, feeling dead inside, lost, and I just wanted it out.

I was nine weeks when I got my abortion. I found out I was pregnant at five. My intuition was to be my best friend during my pregnancy. In fact, my pregnancy strengthened my relationship with my intuition and I have every intention of honoring its every word for the rest of my life. My intuition led me through everything and got me where I am now, thank god for that.

I kept my fetus for so long after I found out I had one because I wanted to give the circumstances a chance to work out. I asked the father what he wanted, what he felt, what he thought, I asked myself the same. He responded with lots of shrugs, hand waves and blank stares, “it’s your body, it’s your choice, your life,” as if this wasn’t his problem too. But thanks for the agency. He never verbally abused me until I was pregnant- “you’re a burden, you want so much, I’m just so stressed already (his life schedule consists of working at a diner, video games and sleeping, but I can honestly say I never judged him, I too know the stress of living in personal hell), and now you’re pregnant and that’s another thing I have to deal with, life is already so hard and now this,” -when I asked if he would come to the doctor with me- “fuck no, I’m gonna do what I want.” After he said this, he promised I “wouldn’t be alone,” but my intuition told me otherwise. I used my intuition to map out all possible and likely futures with my child and the father. They were all bleak- single mom on welfare, being limited to jobs available to me with my high school diploma, not getting a chance to pursue college like I wanted, being surrounded with the father’s questionable acquaintances and family, repeating the history of my own childhood with an abusive, violent, neglectful father and a mother just trying to survive, shut down, detached. I wanted better for my child, and myself, and the father of my fetus. I did not doubt my own ability to be a mother. I am adept at making things happen, I would have made this happen. But I would have been miserable. Children model their parents. I would have brought a child to a reality of suffering and bleakness. The child would grow up with a foundation of pain, betrayal, frustration and loneliness. That is my story, that’s how I grew up, that’s the truth of most of my life up until about five years ago, when I left home. The only things I want to manifest in this life are love, unity and peace, god willing, I don’t want to bring about any more of the pain I’ve known so much of. I have the power not to. I have the power of choice. So I chose.

I chose to wait for when I have things in place like a career, a partner (hopefully a husband, I’ve always wanted one!) who is dedicated and cares for my heart, stable housing, more maturity all around… a reality of love, unity and peace, a reality I’d be overjoyed to bring a child into. I want kids, I always have, if that ever does happen (only under these circumstances!), I suspect I’ll really feel like I’ve arrived. I don’t doubt my ability to survive, but I sometimes doubt my ability to be of love and light. I’ve been so strongly associated with darkness and brutality, I question wether this future of love and light is realistic for me. My abortion was an act of faith that it could be. My abortion was a leap of faith out of the darkness into… who knows? Two weeks after my abortion I got an IUD, walked in on the father cheating on me, and finished moving to the even smaller Utah town I’m living now to begin my freshman year of college at a small university. I followed my intuition and things fell into place, however drastically or gently.

I do not regret my abortion. I haven’t questioned wether it was the right thing to do or not. I did the best I could with what I had, and I feel that I’m living the best possible outcome of the circumstances. If there is any regret, it’s that the circumstances wouldn’t have worked out to become a happy life for any of us involved, child, dad or myself. I wish they could have. But here I am now, and I’ll keep following my intuition to that happiness.

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