I never wanted to be a mother

by Anonymous

January 6, 2020

I’ve had two abortions and never for one moment did I doubt my decisions. The first time I was in my early 20s, and just learning how to be a functioning adult. I had no money, a terrible job, and zero desire to have a child. I was so desperately upset when I found out I was pregnant I beat my stomach with my own fists until I was bruised and sore. The clinicians were kind and told me it was ok to cry through the pain, and brought me candy and sat with me afterward. The second time I was in my 30s, perfectly stable with a loving partner and still, zero desire to have a child. I’ve known since I was 5 that I would never be a mother. The thought of it always filled me with dread. Any time I tried to find a permanent solution no doctors would sign off on sterilization because I was unmarried and according to them, would change my mind or just do it for my “future husband”, even though hormonal medication made me unhinged and insane. It took me over a decade to find a doctor that understood. Now I am finally without fallopian tubes, and that horrible, dark possibility is gone forever. I will never feel guilt for me it was the only decision I could have made. I am a happier, more fulfilled, and more productive person because I was able to access abortion care.

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