I had two abortions. I regret neither.

by Jamille

June 4, 2019

I got pregnant for the first time when I was 19, with my then-boyfriend of a year and a half. A day before I found out, I had tried to break up with him, and he convinced me out of it. When I found out I was pregnant, I felt utterly trapped. There was no feeling of love or affection for what was growing inside of me – I didn’t want it. I was living in a town away from all of my family and friends and supposed to be having a good time, but I had to spend a month lying in bed, too sick to eat or drink or leave the house, waiting for my abortion. I missed so much work, I almost lost my job, and the only support network I had was a boyfriend I didn’t love anymore. I had a painless procedure – the nurses were kind, the drugs were strong, it was quick and brought with it an overwhelming sense of relief. I knew, from the moment I found out i was pregnant, that I didn’t want to be pregnant. It’s been 7 years, and I have not once wondered if I made the right decision. I believe this is a best case scenario with abortion, because truly, no one wants to have an abortion. Sometimes, it’s just such a clear decision, it’s the waiting to have one that’s the hardest part. The process and the aftermath is simply a reprieve from the intense stress of being pregnant when you don’t want to be.

I got pregnant for the second time in September. My copper IUD failed. I’m 26 years old, I’m in a wonderful and stable relationship, I love my boyfriend, we both want children someday not too far away, and financially, we could make things work. Making this decision was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I had a medical abortion this time, because I was so sick I could not wait the two weeks I would have to wait until the next available appointment. If I hadn’t had an abortion, I would be giving birth right around now.  The decision to have an abortion is one that no one wants to make. People who have abortions are not happy to have them. No one WANTS an abortion. Being pregnant when you don’t want to be, is like being in a kind of prison, and the only way out is to have an abortion. As I said earlier, I want children soon and I love the man who got me pregnant, but that doesn’t mean now is the right time. I wonder frequently what life would be like if I hadn’t had an abortion. Often, I long for it. I feel deeply saddened by what could have been, and I feel an intense biological drive to have children. I do not, however, for a single moment regret it. The longing I experience for the alternative path isn’t baby-dependent: I feel certain I would have exactly the same feelings, and wonder exactly the same things, about what could have been if I had chosen to become a mother.

Sometimes, neither path feels right, and you have to just go with the one that feels the least wrong. I by no means wish to call motherhood an easy path, but when I was choosing between becoming a parent or not, I found that in the moment, choosing to be a mother was the easy way. Choosing to have an abortion required me to make an extremely painful decision now, as a way of investing in myself, my life, my relationship, and the life of my future child. I had to put myself and my own life first, so I can be the best mother I can be when the time is right. I hate that I’ve had to have an abortion – I hate even more that I’ve had to have two. At the same time, if I believed in God, I’d thank her over and over again for granting me with the freedom and the resources to access safe abortions.

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