I had an abortion two weeks before my mom died.

by Anonymous

August 29, 2022

Content Warning: rape

I had an abortion two weeks before my mom died. She had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. I was 24 years old and everything was going wrong in life, I had to quit my job to take care of her full time and I had no money. I made the mistake of having raw sex with a guy I had been dating for about a year because he kept saying it would be fine, he’s good at pulling out etc, I was so depressed about watching my mom slowly die, turning into a skeleton, in so much pain, I just wanted to feel something good. Two weeks later I threw up in the morning and knew I was pregnant. The guy acted horrible when I told him, even though he had been chasing me for this entire year, begging me to be his girlfriend exclusively. He blocked my number and I had to find a way around to contact him, begging him to help me or talk to me because I had no job, my mom was about to die any day, and I had no one to turn to. My mom was basically in a coma unable to speak. It still causes me so much anger and rage about how he did not care at all about what I was juggling, trying to save her, and now I’m pregnant with your child. He basically said if I didn’t have an abortion he would do everything in his power to take the child away from me, reminding me about my financial situation, that he was much better off, and he “wasn’t going to have a kid in this world he didn’t raise & he wasn’t going to raise it with me” he made it clear he had no love for me & I would be an unfit mother. He disgusted me. Suddenly, when faced with some real shit, he turned onto a completely different person. He was cruel, selfish, & manipulative. I didn’t want my first child to be with someone who’s immediate reaction was to block me. I’m at the worst moment in life (watching my mom die slowly) after the sex was his idea & his constant badgering about being his girlfriend! I’m an adult and I take responsibility for my poor decision to have unprotected sex but I really felt like I was taken advantage of in my vulnerable moment. I begged him to pay for the majority of the abortion and held my tongue at all the horrible things I really wanted to say to him because I was desperate. I tried to be nice.

I missed the last week of my mom’s life bleeding out his child in the most pain I have ever been, all alone, ashamed, & missing my mom. He didn’t bother to make any effort to contact me, care for me, research abortion, OR ever ask about my mom… who again, died two weeks later. It’s almost laughable how horrible it was. I was in so much pain I couldn’t go to the hospital and see my mom, I couldn’t hide it. I couldn’t tell her why I wasn’t there. I was so ashamed I didn’t see how disgusting this guy really was. He was so charming, intelligent, & kind up until I said I was pregnant. I feel disgusting his seed was inside me. I would have rather killed myself than grown his child inside me. The saddest thing is something I wanted more than anything in my life was for my mom to see me have children, for my kids to have a grandma. It was surreal to be pregnant two weeks before she died. But I always pictured my first pregnancy as a happy thing, something people were excited about, I wanted it to be with somebody that loved me, not this Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of a human. I don’t want my child to have any of his traits. I don’t regret for a second ending that pregnancy, I thank God every day I had safe access to an abortion & the kind lady that walked me through it. I also ironically am filled with so much anger at the Christian group that masquerades themselves as an emergency pregnancy clinic, that tricked me into have an vaginal ultrasound with them before giving me their Jesus pamphlets and trying to convince me to have this child without knowing any circumstances.

I also want to mention I was raped at the age of 17. I had to go to therapy for years to regain my sexual autonomy. I could’ve gotten pregnant that time but thankfully I wasn’t. I have no doubt in my entire soul that I would’ve murdered my rapist then killed myself if that occurred. Anybody that tries to convince a rape victim to keep their baby is a criminal. It should always be the individual’s choice how to handle their pregnancy.

When I was pregnant I felt something almost like a second wind, I felt life. I don’t disregard that or expect everyone’s experience of that to feel the same. In her final moments the doctors asked us if we wanted to take my mom off of life support and we had to make a decision. We agreed that her quality of life on earth was so miserable, her suffering was so bad, it was better for her to pass on. This was by no means an easy decision, but did I murder my mom? No. I didn’t murder my unborn child either. I took a pill that made me miscarry. My mom was religious, but I know she would’ve agreed on my choice. This child never existed or had a personality, any experience, not even formed enough to look anything remotely human. I don’t think there is some potential ghost soul in heaven that would’ve been, I think life is recycled back into the world & that energy wasn’t destroyed, it’s just somewhere else for now. Almost like a reincarnation. Whatever you believe I don’t care. Pregnancy is the individual’s choice.

I’ve been with a reunited old boyfriend for years now, & even back then he was the only person I ever really wanted to have children with. I have that chance. I want this for myself so badly. But honestly children are a luxury for the rich, and I won’t have a child until I can financially support them because my child deserves their basic needs met. I have an IUD & it sucks. I can’t take hormonal birth control because it messes with me too much, the world is so scary. I kept the ultrasound of my pregnancy and I’m not sure why other than proof that it happened. I hope God understand because if he doesn’t then I’m living in hell anyways.

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