I chose what was best for me & that was choosing my health.

by Kiki

May 17, 2021

Content Warning: graphic medical descriptions

When I was 12, I got my first period. It wasn’t bad, barely any cramps & only bled for 4 days. The next month? It was hell. Unknowing to myself & my family, I had endometriosis & it got so bad that I bled so much to where I back-bled into my left Fallopian tube & onto my left ovary. Creating an endometriosis tumor the size of a softball. For 6 years it was undiagnosed, unnoticeable, & unbearable. After finally getting diagnosed & having the surgery to remove the endo & tumor, I was told by my gyno that it would be difficult to conceive naturally due to the fact that my tumor was a giant ball of hormones, so I could possibly not ovulate as often or even ovulate for a while at all.

I was 18 & I was a bit sad at first thinking to myself “I know I wanted kids, but I didn’t know being told it would be hard trying to would sting a bit”, but I remembered that my fertility & reproduction wasn’t my sole purpose in life or dictated my worth. So I accepted that fact & moved on. I took birth control to stop anymore growths or tumors from coming back & to keep my endometriosis symptoms at ease. Fast forward to me being 21 & having about 6 friends over in the last week of January for a going away party for my best friend. Me & another friend somehow drink a whole bottle of tequila & end up in bed together. Now mind you, even tho I’m on birth control & have fertility issues, I still use backups just to be sure & just in case. I use the vaginal film about an hour before hand (cause I’m prepared for a fun night ok?) & spermicide lube, so he doesn’t need a condom. Welp, that condom would’ve been nice because on the 13th of February my BSF took a pregnancy test because she had just went through a miscarriage & wanted to be sure she wasn’t pregnant anymore (she has a 1yr old son & almost died giving birth to him so she wasn’t as upset but still). I don’t know what made me want to pee on that stick, but I did for shits & giggles. Threw the test on the couch so my best friend can watch it as I washed up & cleaned my kitchen real quick. I go over, look at the test & I just remember yelling out “ nonononononono” over & over again crying my eyes out. No way. Not possible. Even with all the protection?? Even my best friend was in shock. I immediately knew my choices & it was decided then & there.

On the drive back to her house we called the friend to tell him the news & he broke down crying as well. We were NOT ready to be parents. I wasn’t physically healthy either. I developed heart & stomach issues which caused me to weigh 98lbs. I knew this pregnancy would kill me & it started to. He was extremely supportive & asked if I was going to abort & I told him yeah. The relief on his face & the relief I felt knowing I wasn’t going to be pressured into this…I couldn’t describe because it just felt like everything was gonna be okay. I couldn’t get an appointment with planned parenthood for another 3 weeks & this was super early. I was only 3wks4days when I found out. For those three weeks, I was in hell. I was cramping so much, I was losing more & more weight & I couldn’t eat without feeling like my chest was going to explode or my stomach about to burst. I was actively dying, this bean that I did somewhat want, was killing me. I had to chose what was best for me…& that was my health over this lil bean.

I terminated at 6wks3days & they gave me an ultrasound pic (I asked cause I’d still want to grieve this pregnancy) & told me they couldn’t really detect any heartbeat but could see where the cardiac cells were starting to form which I thought was cool. They gave me the options of pill abortion or suction abortion and I took the pill form & it sucked for me. It really sucked, it was like my normal period but heavier & longer. I also had an incomplete pill abortion, that small 2%, so I had to go into a different clinic & have a suction abortion cause the tissue was stuck in my cervix causing severe heavy bleeding. I also cried during both times. I was scared, it’s not a walk in the park or a happy time for some. It was scary for me because I had to go in both times alone & I felt like I couldn’t be strong enough to power through. But I did it. I recovered & I’m still healing. I’m still grieving my bean. I do want kids, & this was a hard choice for me to make when it finally came to the appointment, but I don’t regret it one bit. I do like thinking about the “what if’s” to help me heal. I kept all my pregnancy tests I took cause I was in such shock & disbelief. I always look at my ultrasound every morning. I know that I’ll have my chance again, when I’m healthier, happier, & stronger in the ways I need to be to be a proper parent. I had an abortion, I don’t regret it & I’m proud of it. I’m not dirty because of it. All of my friends love me regardless. The guy is still my close friend. My dad is even supportive of my choice & happy I’m alive. I don’t regret it & I never will.

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