I'm realizing that I'm allowed to be relieved and know I made the right decision, but still mourn over the what ifs.
When I found out I was pregnant, my choice was very clear. I knew it wasn’t the right time for me. I’m not financially stable. I struggle severely with depression and crippling anxiety. I struggle to take care of myself every day, how am I supposed to take care of another human too? Some days all I can do is breathe and focus on staying afloat. I just wasn’t ready. Even though I knew terminating the pregnancy was the best thing right now, it didn’t make it any less scary. The days leading up to my appointment were long. I just wanted to get it over with.
The day of my appointment, I was cared for by the most caring, open hearted, sweet women I have ever came into contact with. Girls that sat with me while I broke down in the doctors office. Strangers that treated me like we were old friends. A nurse that held my hand during the procedure and a doctor that answered any questions I had and comforted me when the tears would start up again beforehand.
I felt instant relief leaving the clinic. I didn’t regret my choice then and I still don’t. I often times still find myself mourning this loss. The loss of something that could have been. It’s really a feeling I’m not sure how to describe. It has only been 4 months so it’s still fresh. This is normal. I’m realizing that I’m allowed to be relieved and know I made the right decision, but still mourn over the what ifs. Always keep in mind that it is okay to choose you. It is okay to choose your kids you already have. It is okay to choose your mental health. It is okay to choose your dreams. We are good women.
