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Here we go again…

by Anonymous

May 9, 2019

First time around I was barely 18, just graduated high school working as a hostess at a restaurant. I found out I was pregnant at work. I could not believe it. Well, I am lying I did believe it. I was young, stupid and not that educated on sex. I told the would be father and informed him that I did not want it. He understood. A week and a half I am in the waiting room and my name gets called. I was awake for the whole procedure. It was not bad at all, 3-5 minutes of cramping and it was over. I felt immediate relief. I tried being careful after and promised myself it would never happen again.

I felt shame, I grew up believing abortion was wrong. I knew in my heart though that I simply as not ready. I talked to it (the fetus) the first time around and apologized many times. I just was not ready. It took me a long time to accept that it was okay. I told no one in my family. Fast forward 6 years, I am still with same guy. This time around we were being cautious. I was on birth control but stopped because somehow my mother convinced me I was screwing my own body up. I know, stupid. Spent 2 years off birth control and all it took was one stupid drunken night and getting Plan B too late. I keep up with my cycle religiously and I started feeling the same as I did 6 years ago. I knew. I took the test and it was positive.

I know I had promised myself I would not do it again, but honestly nothing else came to my mind. I attempted talking to a friend of my mom’s and my mom but that was a mistake. My mom now thinks I am a horrible person, blames my boyfriend and thinks it is all his fault. She said some pretty hurtful things, told me that I am stupid and don’t know what I am doing. I understand, abortion is frowned upon in the Hispanic community. As a woman you are expected to bear children. She has an older mindset, I just assumed that since our relationship was a better, I could confide in her. Clearly not. Despite that, I am going through with it. I am scheduled to go next Friday. I found out way earlier then most people therefore I have to wait a week at least to get it. The waiting is that hard part… I have come to peace with it. She will not change my mind and I will NOT apologize for doing what is best for me. If I ever choose to have kids I will have them when I am comfortable enough to give them a proper life. Right now is just not the time.  IT IS OKAY TO NOT WANT KIDS. IT IS OKAY TO BE SELFISH. IT IS OKAY TO PUT ME FIRST. IT IS OKAY TO HAVE SEX. SH*T HAPPENS. I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. MY BODY, MY CHOICE. ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

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