Day by day

by Anonymous

August 21, 2020

Moments after I found out I was pregnant I called the abortion clinic and booked an appointment. I was so certain of my choice. I knew I wasn’t in the financial position to look after a baby. I also couldn’t be sure who the father was, and I couldn’t face going through a whole pregnancy not knowing.

Although I had made my choice the thought of it made me sick. It’s not something I wanted to do, it’s something that I felt was out of my hands. I also blame and still blame myself for being so reckless.

Although those that I told were supportive, I still felt isolated. I didn’t feel like I could express my true feelings because I was embarrassed. I was embarrassed for feeling sad. I still am.

After the abortion I really struggled emotionally. Nothing could have prepared me for the deep sadness I felt. I still lived at home during this time, and my step-mother gave birth just 4 weeks after my abortion. This was particularly difficult and challenging, although a blessing in disguise. Having a baby brother around brings me a lot of joy.

After the abortion I told the person who I thought was the father and was very honest about the situation. Initially he was comforting but he was upset that I had made the decision I had, especially without discussing it with him first.

I have subsequently come to learn that this person is now married and having a baby with someone else, just 5 months on.  Learning this has brought back really deep sad emotions. It makes me sad how someone can move on so quickly, and as a woman I am left with still messed up hormones and mental scars. It is however a sign that life does move on, and that I need to forgive myself.

It may sound strange, but when I was pregnant I felt comfort. I felt as though I loved my baby. There was something in the world that was truly mine. I believe that I loved my baby, and I miss that piece of me that has now gone.

Despite all the challenges I still know I made the right decision and I have never regretted the choice I made. Life is still very difficult at the moment, but it does get better. There were times when I cried everyday, and I thought it would be like that for ever. I have learnt that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to be patient and most of all, be kind to yourself.

I am not fully healed and I am not sure when that time will come, but I am grateful for the progress I make with everyday that goes by.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!