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Brave is what I think of us

by Anonymous

May 29, 2019

I was 19 at the time. I had just dropped out of college to travel and find myself. I quit my job and drove to the other side of the country with my boyfriend at the time with whom things weren’t going so well due to drug addiction problems. This was the last straw, the final test. Perhaps being far away from society and dysfunctional families was going to save us. Perhaps being away from the city would keep the temptation away. It didn’t.

 

We finally let each other go. He headed back home but I kept on the road. Two of my friends with whom I was traveling at the time kept telling me they were worried since their periods were late and I kept saying that they’d be fine and that it was probably just the stress that caused the delay. To all of our surprise, I was the one who ended up being pregnant.

 

At this point, I was completely broke, eating food from community kitchens, living in my van with no idea what I was doing or where I was going or what I even wanted to do. My ex had just gotten home and never ever in my life had I felt more alone despite the fact that I was still traveling with about 4 other people.

I was so ashamed and completely terrified. I could barely take care of myself, how could I take care of another human being? I had on and off depression, felt way too unstable to raise a child, had no money, no job. Is this really how I wanted to start my family? A broken family from the start? A drug addicted father who suffered from psychosis and rage outburst? It just couldn’t be.

 

My angel of a mother was so understanding and compassionate and what a relief that was. She flew over to be with me during the procedure and took care of me afterwards but left the week after. She asked that I come home but I felt so ashamed, what would I be going home to anyways? Would that really be the quick end to my trip? I hadn’t even had the time to get to know myself yet.

 

I was a month pregnant and I must say it felt HORRIBLE. I couldn’t imagine 8 more months of that hell. I couldn’t stand the smell or taste of anything that wasn’t completely fresh even if it was 30 meters away from me. I’d throw up constantly, had no control over my bladder, and just overall felt like complete shit.

 

Getting the abortion was terrifying but instantly relieved all of the symptoms. I woke up wanting to cry and felt deep pain in my uterus. I was so confused. Although I saw the size of it, and although I knew it just was a few cells and not a fully formed child I couldn’t help but think about what could have been, think about all that I would hear others say, think about “fate” or “destiny”… Would I make a good mother? Would it have been a boy? A girl? Who’s eyes would he or she have? Would it inherit its father’s disorders? All of these thoughts and questions tormented me although I knew deep down that it was the right decision to make at the time.

 

Seeing people’s comments, people I knew, about being pro life; driving through religious states and provinces and passing by giant billboards indicating how I and other women like me were murderers was horrifying. I was already going through so much and I felt completely judged by the world. I felt deep guilt.

 

The whole experience was really traumatic. Let alone the relationship that created it was pretty traumatic on it’s own. It’s something that will never really leave my mind. It’s been causing me to have panic attacks during sex and have really strong spontaneous reactions to anything related to it or to my relationship with children. Like that time where I was playing with a kid outside and he called me mama. I broke down in tears.

 

The month after it happened, for some reason I went completely wild and was totally unresponsible. I’m damn lucky it didn’t happen all over again. I was a complete mess pretending I was fine, looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for someone who i’d feel safe to talk to.

 

It’s been a really rough few years but I’m grateful to see that there actually are support groups for women out there and that there are women speaking up and sharing their stories. This really makes me feel less alone and relieves the shame so much because it never really feels safe to talk about, and I really do need to talk about it. Making the decision and really accepting it afterwards is very difficult for some and I don’t find people acknowledge that some women need a lot of support through this process.

This experience really changed me. I never really wanted to conceive kids of my own before but now it feels like it’s part of my destiny. I love children with all my heart and when it’s time, I know I’ll be an infinitely loving mother. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t experienced this and it’s been pushing me towards a path of working with people and healing and really evaluating where I want to be in my life and what I want to be creating. It really shook my whole sense of purpose and I am so grateful that safe abortion is legal in my country.

 

I send so much love and support to everyone and hope that whoever is reading this feels a bit less alone and less ashamed just as reading all of you is making me feel. I empathize and stand for all those who are having their choice be taken away from them.

 

Thank you all so much for sharing,

You beautiful, strong, inspiring women

 

❤️

 

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