Born to Be a Mother

by Billie

April 29, 2019

I always felt born to be a mother. I always wanted to be one. I was on birth control in college, and I missed a pill. A month later I took a pregnancy test; it was negative. Unknown to me that it was morning sickness, I was sick every day, all day, and I started losing weight. I went to the doctor, they ran some tests and they all came back negative. I was sent to a nutritionist, and put on a liquid diet. Weeks went on, and I decided I needed a second opinion. I went to Planned Parenthood, and they told me I was pregnant and too far along to have a procedure there. There was no heartbeat, there were no flutters, no kicks. I was referred to three clinics that could “treat me.” Some of these clinics were three hours away. I had to take a bus with my boyfriend, and rent a car. I reached out to my brother and he told me “not to talk about that shit anymore, and to never tell anyone.” My boyfriend went with me, the procedure took over 24 hours. The day of I was taken behind bullet proof glass where I waited in a holding room where they were showing the movie “Daredevil,” to await my turn. I waited, I chatted with another woman in the room who told me I was lucky to have a boyfriend who came with me. Little did we both know he would only make sure I made it back to my apartment and then went out to party with his boys that night. Afterwards at home, I lied in bed wondering and scared. I believed misinformation about how my body would be destroyed from the procedure and I would never be the mom I was born to be. I was alone and broken. I wished I lived in a world where people didn’t call women who had abortions murderers. I didn’t feel like a murderer, I felt heartbroken, scared, and like God would never forgive me. I held these feelings in like my brother had told me too. and turned to drink until I broke. When I broke my true friends opened their hearts, heard my story, and helped me find my “new” self. Women shouldn’t have to suffer in silence, they shouldn’t be judged so harshly. Women shouldn’t have their rights, privacy, and choice violated by laws and regulations. I have learned to take ownership of this event and experience in my life even though everything, and society wants to own it and judge it for me.

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