by Sandra

November 20, 2020

It is almost two years since I had my abortion. I found out on Christmas Day in 2018. I am Irish living in Ireland and the abortion referendum had just taken place and made legal only four months prior. It was still very raw in Ireland.

There was a helpline I could ring for guidance but I was reluctant to ring it as it was and still is a skeptical subject to bring up amongst my friends let alone medical professionals and I did not think I would be heard adequately. I felt afraid and lost in my whirlwind of hormones and bulging breasts. I decided to seek help overseas in Scotland positive I would be given what I required.

After waiting longer than anticipated the day finally came and I was in a hospital room swallowing my first pill. Everything after that is a blur. I have never felt so utterly powerless in my life, a life was being flushed out of me and I lay curled in a ball at the bottom of the stairs of a cold Scottish carpeted floor sweating and vomiting my guts up. Several hours later I felt the baby leave my body and the feeling of relief washed over me. I made myself look at it at the bottom of the toilet bowl. To see what I had done and promise to myself I would never do again. The other person involved in the pregnancy is no longer in my life and he was not there while I was going through this process either. He said it was too hard for him. Can I accept that as an excuse? Can I accept the fact that he did not want to know of the pain and trauma my body went thorough. That he did not want to see my pain? He confided in people, told them something private about me, about us. I had told no one and wanted to keep it that way so it could be easier forgotten.

This is the hardest part for me to come to terms with. It is the feeling that I was not being supported in my decision to keep it private but also to have been left to confront the problem by myself and to feel the pain alone.  I do not regret my decision, I was not in a position to provide a happy life for my child but I do regret the way I handled the situation.

Sometimes at night my mind wanders to what could have been with this man and with this baby but every time I do my body shakes awake with the realisation that it is not that way and I am happy about that.

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