I was adopted. I was conceived in a young relationship filled with abuse. My adoptive mother had multiple miscarriages she never addressed or healed from. When she adopted me, I was always told we were blessed but it was “that girl” who was selfish and awful and just tossed me away. I developed a lot of insecurities due to this “unwanted” stigma, despite how loving my adoptive family was.
I could NEVER be that reason a child felt unwanted.
I took birth control since 14 so I wouldn’t end up like “that girl”.
In college, at 19, I wanted to be loved. I struggled emotionally and never dealt with the adoption trauma. Next thing I knew I dumped my ex-boyfriend and fell for a dreamy musician-type. Then I popped some antibiotics for a sinus infection and ended up caught in the middle.
I could not cope. I couldn’t believe I was now “that girl.” I spent a lot of time crying and grieving for the choice I already made. The ex boyfriend drove me an hour to a clinic where protesters were outside with ugly signs. I waited, was given an ultrasound. I couldn’t look. Then I was prescribed some pills and told it would be like experiencing an extremely painful period.
I returned to my dorm and suffered in silence.
I have never been happy with my decision per day but I am definitely content with not bringing an undeserving child into a bad situation.
Fast forward 12 years later…I’m a struggling mother of 2 with a failing relationship. No job, no income, no strength. Once again searching for that missing love. I am now 30. I am a loving mother. I am a real adult. But once again, I became “that girl.” Terrified of what my life and my children’s lives would become, I faced he truth. I knew my choice. The father knew the choice. My children’s father knew the choice.
If I hadn’t aborted a second time, I would never have regained a sense of self that I lost to adoption trauma and postpartum depression. I would have damaged another soul. I would have been “that girl.”
At times, I feel selfish. At times, selfless. But after my adoption reunion what I am is the one who healed our ancestral wounds and broke a negative pattern.
