I grew up in a very conservative household. I never saw my parents drink alcohol, and I had maybe a handful of instances of drinking with friends prior to turning 21. After that though, I started drinking a lot. Over the years, I would begin to drink more and more to where I was getting drunk almost every single night. I didn’t want to admit this wasn’t normal or that I had a problem. After all, I had a good job; I never drank during the day; I was functional. Fast forward… I’m happily married, I have two kids – both planned, and I didn’t drink at all during those pregnancies. However, going nine months without drinking didn’t cure my alcoholism either time, and I picked up right where I left off after both pregnancies. After the kids were in bed, the alcohol would come out. I used the excuse of me not drinking in front of them as proof I had a handle on things…
I found out I was pregnant before my second child even turned a year old. I had assumed I was late because postpartum menstrual cycles can be wonky. Nope. I was pregnant. After seeing the positive test, I immediately thought back to the 6 weeks prior and how I’d been binge drinking at least 5 nights a week. The night before my positive test, my husband and I drank a ton together over a bonfire. I knew this baby had been affected by the alcohol, even if I’d never know to what extent. I knew I had to get an abortion.
I hate my story, and I’m still wrapped up in guilt about everything because it’s my alcoholism that lead me to this point. If I could have just got it together and quit making excuses for my behavior. I know I made the right decision about the abortion, though, despite the feelings of guilt and shame. I’m hoping those feelings subside as time passes. A definite positive from this experience is that I am finally seeking help for my addiction. I want to live a long life for my kids and potential grandkids.
