A nightmare became real

by Lili

August 15, 2018

Since I am a child it was totally clear for me that I don’t want to have kids. This desicion always grew with me and I did everything to avoid a pregnancy. I turned 30 and was (am 😉 ) in a great relationship. For my husband it was also clear that he does not want to have kids. Than the accident happened. First I thought it was a bad joke, made a few more tests and kept totally shocked about it. The doctor confirmed it by a sonography examination. The way was always clear for me. I had no doubts what to do. I initiated everything to make a quick end of my personal horror story. 12 days later the surgery appointment was. It was not possible to end that quicker than that. I was the last patient that day and stood waiting in front of a large window front watching the people passing by. I put my hands on my belly and tried again and for the last time to feel anything, anything. I didn’t feel anything. There was nothing and again I had no doubts. Than the time came and it was my turn. I had to sit on a gyn chair and the anaesthesiologist gave me the sleeping medicine through my vain. When I woke up (about 15 Min after that) the doctor stood by my side and said „You didn’t wanted to sleep! I gave you the double dose of the medicine and evan that didn’t bother you“. I couldn’t remember anything. I just woke up and everything was over. The nausea (I had the last few days) was over and I had no pain. Everything went good and I was glad to return home. 7 days after the surgery happened something I have never experienced before. In the evening I was lying in my bed. It wasn’t really late and I was still awake. At this time I lived alone in my flat, my boyfriend (and now husband) lived in another town). Suddenly it felt like I am not alone and that someone/something is in the corridor right next to my bedroom. I went out and saw nothing. But I still felt there definitely was something, and it felt all-consuming and kind of hypnotizing, but it didn’t feel drastic. What ever that was, it felt really huge and close. I asked „who are you?“ No answer. I asked again but still didn’t get an answer. This „energy“ got closer to me and I stood still. I held my hands up and felt something like prickle in my palms. I tried to „discover“ it by feeling it’s contours and everything I felt was huge! The contour seemed much much bigger than me, I stood on the point of my toes and still had effort to capture it completely. I moved my hands really slow as this was really intensive for me. It felt so familiar and was full of love, I have never had the feeling of LOVE this pure. The words that came to my head again and again were “its everything the way it should be” (or: ‘it’s everything okay” – hard to translate). The words went through my mind a few times but it felt like it wasn’t my thoughts. It’s hard to say how long this lasted, but I guess about a few minutes. This enormous energy started to fade and I felt it was time to let it go. It took a little while and I was alone again. I have never felt so much and so intense love and closeness before. I am sure it was the spirit of my child. I know that nobody would believe me if I would tell this story so this is why I never told it somebody. It’s okay for me if nobody believe me, cause I know that this experience definitely happened and I know for sure it was not a wish or a dream.

My decision to make this abortion was just right and I don’t regret it.



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