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A lot of bad things have happened to me‑My abortion was not one of them

by Paulina

April 8, 2019

Content Warning: rape, PTSD, depression

I was 25 years old and living in NYC. I was dating someone, the condom broke, and I got pregnant. I knew right away I wanted an abortion. He was supportive, my mom was supportive, and I went to the clinic one Saturday morning pregnant, and left later that day not pregnant. The guy I was dating at the time stayed with me throughout the weekend and made food and we watched movies. The end. That’s it. Normal, short, nothing that I usually even think about.

 

When the anti-choice movement harps on all the regret and psychological blow-back people experience when they get an abortion, I want to laugh. Out of all the awful and difficult things that have happened in my life, my abortion doesn’t even make the list. You want to know what things keep me up at night? My rape. Getting hit by a drunk driver at 19 and it killing my friend in my passenger seat. My other friend committing suicide a year later. Regretful actions when I was in active alcoholism. Time lost from depressive episodes and chronic PTSD. Bad relationships. Mistakes in my career because of my alcoholism and mental health issues. And the lack of structural support and stigma our society has to assist someone experiencing all these things. My abortion? Don’t really think about it to be honest.

 

I occasionally wonder what my life would’ve been like had I carried to term and had a baby. A lot of things would’ve been different. I would’ve probably never gone to grad school. I probably would not have created the beautiful things I created with the wonderful creative friends that I have. I’m not sure how good of a mother I would’ve been, struggling with alcoholism and mental health issues. I don’t regret my decision. I regret not loving myself more fully throughout all of my ups and downs in life.

Abortion has become this big monolithic thing, and as a good friend once told me, abortion is the band-aid, not the wound.

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