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A Hard Decision

by Angela

June 11, 2019

My boyfriend and I had only been together for three months. We recently moved in with each other. I was 22 years old. Back then, I was going through a lot of personal turmoil and was drinking quite often. I was enrolled in college full time and employed full time. I became pretty careless and it didn’t even dawn on me I was missing my period two months in row. I knew something was up when my breasts started hurting. I was always blessed to have easy periods with no pain, cramps etc. never did my breasts hurt. I then realized I had missed my period. I purchased some home pregnancy tests, took all three, all three said I was pregnant. I can still remember sitting in the bathroom with my heart in my stomach. I had never really wanted to be a mother.

I literally knew this guy three months and I didn’t even know if I loved him or not. I tried to make myself not freak out and finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend. The first words out of his mouth were, “you’re getting an abortion.”  Though I didn’t think I wanted to be pregnant, just hearing that lack of empathy or support from him was devastating. It was clear he wasn’t going to be supportive of my feelings or anything at that point. I had been working with a woman that was recently struggling to get pregnant. I can’t tell you how many times she cried to me about it. I was so confused as to why me, the chick that doesn’t even want to be a mom is pregnant, when this kind soul was desperate for a child. I cried myself to sleep every night and prayed I would miscarry or that she would magically have this baby and not me. My boyfriend would never even talk to me about any of it. His sister was also unable to get pregnant. I asked him if I had the child, could I give it to his sister. Apparently that was a no.

 

It seemed like forever for me to decide what to do. I did consider keeping the child and just making do. It wasn’t the first time I had been something life changing. But at that time, I was so busy with work and school. We were practically broke eating sandwiches for dinner every night. How could we possibly afford a child. Would he even stay with me if I chose to keep it? Would he even help me financially?

I told one close friend of mine what was going on and she agreed to go with me to the doctor. I had no idea how many periods I had missed so I didn’t know how far long I was. The walk in clinic I went to was not that great. Of course the test they administered confirmed my pregnancy. I asked how to find out how far long I was. I was asked why I needed to know, I explained I planned on getting an abortion. Doctor immediately goes into the non supportive mode and felt it was necessary for her to explain to me her personal opinion on abortions and that I should put the child up for adoption instead. She went on about her Christian beliefs and how it was against God’s will for me to abort. I then decided to go to the local health department since I wasn’t getting the answer I needed. If I was too far long, I knew I wouldn’t be able to get the abortion. The health department was a little more supportive. They offered to get me signed up for Medicaid and called a local OB/GYN to make me an appointment. That office refused to give me an ultrasound until they knew how far long I was. So that wasn’t helping me either.

I ultimately made the decision to abort. I researched locations of abortion clinics because I didn’t even know if my state had one. I finally found one about two hours away, called and made an appointment. They explained to me on the phone how to get to the clinic, where I needed to park, who I needed to look for to escort me etc. I was told I needed to have a little over $700 to pay for the procedure. Now I had no clue where I was going to get the money.

I had about $300 saved up for a vacation later that year, asked the boyfriend for money and of course he acted like he didn’t have any money to give. This led me to having to tell my mother. I was beyond ashamed to be in that predicament and hated for my mother to know what was going on. I was scared of what she would say. Luckily, she was supportive. She told me it was my choice and she wanted me to do what was best for me. She stated she would help me financially with the child if I decided to keep it and offered the rest of the money for the procedure. She asked if I wanted her to go and I informed her my friend offered to take me. I begged for her to not tell my father, and she never did.

The week leading up to my appointment was full of more pregnancy symptoms. The sickness was awful and would last all day. The Sunday before the procedure, I was at work, my boss noticed my face and how quickly I had to run to the bathroom. First thing she asked was if I was pregnant. I tried to lie but she could tell I wasn’t being truthful. I then admitted my procedure would be that Wednesday, which is why I had requested off work. She too was supportive of my decision and told me the story of her friend in high school having an abortion.

So the day finally comes, I packed all the things I wasn’t told to bring and my friend drove me to the clinic. We park in the parking garage, finding the man with the orange vest and he begins to escorts us to the buildings about a block away. There were protestors waiting near the building. Thy immediately come at me and my friend screaming at us, calling us baby killers, escort has to literally push one lady away so she couldn’t physically hurt me. I don’t remember much if the paperwork and questions I hand to answer but I do remember seeing someone’s that was clearly showing in their stomach. It shocked me because she looked to be a true at least 6 months pregnant.

When I went back with a group of females, we all waited for ultrasounds. I went back for mine and was told they may have to use the wand if I was not far long to confirm the pregnancy.  The wand wasn’t used and I was told i was about 12 weeks pregnant. The sound was turned off on the ultrasound so I couldn’t not hear the heart beat. The burden prints out the photo and asked if I wanted to see, I declined. We were then all handed medical gowns and escorted to a different area to place our belongings in lockers and then to hospital beds.

We were all lined up like an assembly line. I never did count how many of us were back there. An older nurse then began coming to each of us and giving us medication to be “put out.”  When she got to me, it was like she was an angel. She told me me I wasn’t a bad person and comforted me. That’s the last I remember until I woke up in recovery.

I was sent away after speaking with a counselor with a scheduled follow up appointment, antibiotics and birth control. My boyfriend never asked how I was when I got home. My body started passing blood clots for a couple of days. Apparently one morning, some blood was left in the shower. When I get home, I was screamed at for leaving it and his daughters seeing it. I stayed with this man for a total of four years and he never would talk to me about it. I did question him one time why he asked me to abort when he had a children with someone else not asking them to abort. That’s led to a huge argument of course.  It made me feel inadequate and hurt knowing he wouldn’t need talk to me about it nor even considering having a child with me.

I am now 30 years old. I finished college and began my career in social work and have been with the same job for 6 years. I own my own home and have everything I need. At age 25, I was put in a situation where I had to take custody of my nephew  and his son. He was 17 and his son was 11 month ago old. My now fiancé wouldn’t agree to them coming to live with us so I moved out to take them in. I have since adopted my great nephew and raising him as my own.

If I didn’t have the abortion, I don’t know if I would have finished college. I wouldn’t have been in a good place financially at 25 to take on a teenager and baby on my own. There had been many times I felt regretful about the abortion but now that I’m older, I realize this was what was best for me. I honestly believe it happened for a reason because I was meant to take my nephews in and raise them. I wouldn’t have been able to do so if I chose not to abort back then. I would more than likely still be in that toxic relationship I was in.

I’m now in a healthy long term relationship with someone that loves my nephew as his own. We are a family and happy. I no longer regret my decision to abort and I’m partly glad I went through with it because my life may have not turned into what I have now.

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