2 Abortions, not proud, not ashamed

I have 5 children. Had 2 abortions. A past of self-destruction and domestic violence and redemption. I love God and am a Christian. I would be dead but for my faith. I had one abortion in my old life and one in my new. The first time I was unaware and insensitive to the sadness of my situation, in survival mode. The second time was a regret but I just couldn’t have 6 children I was struggling to sort out the problems I had already. The first abortion was chosen for me by an unloving partner the second together with my beautiful new husband. I walk a middle path. I accept that abortions are necessary. But if I am honest, I was always slack about birth control and so were my partners, I/we need to own that, it caused unnecessary suffering. I think having had unstable relationships and a messy childhood contributed to this less than ideal situation. It may be uncomfortable for people to hear, but this is my story. I believe in the sanctity of life. I know I ended a life. Two actually. To put it otherwise would devalue myself and those unborn and the doctors who have to reconcile terminating unborn foetuses. But I don’t hate myself and I don’t feel ashamed. As a Christian I can access God’s mercy and grace without condition as can any human. Like any other mistake or hurtful thing people have done, I am not proud, but it doesnt define or trap me. If I assert my rights in this situation then I risk becoming callous and self-righteous. I love my babies and I wouldn’t advocate for abortion, but neither do I condemn it. How could I? I think the concept of late-term abortion is unjustifiable except in the most extreme cases. I think women should be careful about demanding rights because the consequences of these rights can be heavy duty. We need to be respectful and sober about this issue. It isn’t feminism itself. Feminism takes many forms. In this day and age, it is often looked down upon to opt in to motherhood or be a stay-at-home mum. How many times have you heard “I’m just a mum”? Rubbish. It takes guts to be a mum. It takes guts to be a woman. It takes guts to own up to screwing around with guys in casual relationships that break your heart and get you pregnant when you secretly want love. It takes guts to say no to a guy when your self-esteem is so shit you just want to feel desirable. The “sex-and-the-city” version of sexuality I grew up with is total bullshit as far as I’m concerned. It takes guts to make a decision to terminate so the kids you already have can have clothes and maybe a holiday and precious time, when it goes against your belief in life. It takes guts to front up to motherhood everyday when you just don’t think you can do it. I have good birth control these days because I don’t really want to ‘shout my abortion’. The idea of it shocks me and yet here I am sharing my story. I am very grateful that in my country abortion is easily accessible, affordable but not legalised. I don’t want it to be because, birth control involves much less sadness and suffering on the earth. So there it is. The conundrum, the complexity. Let’s not let frustration and anger oversimplify and make us proud of something that is hardcore and very serious. I am concerned that this space isn’t ‘safe’ for my story, my voice, because it’s not what is expected here. I hope my story isn’t shouted down because I am not conforming. It took guts, I am unafraid, but please be kind anyway.